SPAM: More Crud Partially Related to Music

Dear Deer,

 

I don't have a lot to say, but I have a bunch of words I've been putting into my new laptop computer which I got when I was on the price is right, I mean "let's make a deal".  the guy picked me to do a deal and said to me, "do you want what's in this bag, or do you want what's behind door number one, two and three, and I said, "can I have a laptop?"  to which he replied, "sure".  so I now have a laptop computer. 

 

it has totally changed my little, tiny, puny, infinitesimally small existence in ways I could never have dreamt or dreamed of.  I can go to the café now and rent a table for the price of a tea and just sit there, staring into the screen, trying to count the white pixels. And since your life hangs on the ups and downs of my life, this really means great things for you too, so I hope you're as excited as I am about the whole thing.

 

In case you're wondering where I got the money, and if I spent the tour donation money on a laptop, the answer is, "I did not spend the tour donation money on a laptop."  As it happens, I recently met this guy who works for a school that was upgrading their IT stuff a.k.a. computers, and they were "getting rid" of their old stuff, crud, junk, "dinosaurs", and so I'm now the proud owner of a Dell Latitude 1001 with windows XP, a battery that lasts 30 minutes and an 8 track player, and it only weighs 45 pounds.

 

I know you're envious, and I don't mean to make you feel technologically inferior to me, but I guess that's just something that you'll have to deal with.  As someone once said, "Life's not fair," and I believe this wholeheartedly.  You might think about adopting this mantra too as a way of dealing with summer street fairs and school or place of worship fairs.  I know it helped me to accept this as truth.

 

I know your attention span is about 7 seconds, so I'll stop here, but if you want more, here are links.

 

Tour Press Release

Paulette's Artist's Statement

 

 

Love Always,

 

Paulette

 

 

 

 

For Immediate Release

DO NOT READ THIS AT ALL, ANY OF IT, IT WILL BORE YOU, AND YOU’LL END UP BEING SAD ABOUT OUR IRRELEVANCE.

A Functional Family Tours the Pacific Northwest

In something we can all be happy about, John Kilduff and Paulette Nichols will be embarking on a week long tour of northern California, Oregon and Washington, the state. They are second cousins and both perform in front of audiences, making the audiences really happy, so much so that they shit their pants in ecstasy much like marathon runners who are experiencing such a runner’s high that they lose bowel control mid-race.

They will be driving in a ’92 Toyota Tercel, a car Paulette wrote a song about which was played on NPR’s Car Talk.

The tour starts in Oakland, CA at Smokey’s Tangle and Finishes in Anacortes WA at The Business, and will feature dates in Humboldt, Portland and Seattle as well.

John Kilduff is the Star and Creator of Let’s Paint TV, a huge underground internet sensation with his youtube page having received over 3 million hits. He has performed in Canada, Los Angeles, Australia, Kansas City, New York City and Florida. He has also performed on America’s Got Talent and The Tyra Show. His show is like Bob Ross’ except it involves multi-tasking, making food, playing ping pong, answering viewer calls, and exercising at the same time mostly on a treadmill.

John, a.k.a. Mr. Let’s Paint a.k.a. Mr. Paint, has been doing his show for over ten years now. Originally starting on Public Access in Eagle Rock, CA, he moved his show to his home studio after funding for the public access studio was terminated for lack of interest and abundance of apathy.

Paulette is a singer and a songwriter who sings and writes songs about what it’s like to be alive and moving around in the universe. She has fans on 3 continents, at least that’s what itunes sales of her music indicate.

The purpose of their tour is to bring attention to the lack of creativity in the world and the fear surrounding the lack of creativity in the world.

They are also pro fossil fuel and want to burn up as much as they can while on tour, so they are taking two buses, one bus for john and another bus for Paulette. Each bus will have about 50 seats but only the driver seat will be filled in each one as they cruise down the highway. The Toyota Tercel will be towed behind one of the buses.

They are also pro-meat omnivores who will be promoting human consumption of animals.

Paulette’s Artist’s Statement

Paulette explores the relationship between life and death and how the two are meaningless without each other. She thinks about them for a long time and wastes her life wondering what it’s for, essentially mimicking death in her confused states of wondering. She strives to confuse her audience with her lack of understanding and paucity of insight, ultimately alienating herself from all people because of her obtuse opaqueness. Her primary inspiration comes from sitting on the toilet, looking down at the floor with all of its hair and dust motes that settle in the corners too far to scoop up while she is sitting there, just out of reach, frustrating her but reminding her of her limitations and what it means to be fully human.

SPAM: This Sub-Saharan African Life

Dear You,

 

Again, I've received, non-stop, incessant, never ending, interminable, infinity, ongoing, long time uncountable, forever, many requests for more information about my life, and I love telling these stories about my life because they remind me that I'm alive, and I love being reminded that I'm alive, because it feels good, and that's all I want out of life is to feel good, I'm a complete and utter, total hedonist.  If something is not pleasureable, I won't do it, that's why I have such a large family.  I love being pregnant.

 

So I'm going to tell you about what I did at work yesterday.  Are you ready?  Did I introduce my story well enough for you so that you don't have a heart attack because I shocked you with unexpected content?

These are only rhetorical questions, so please don't raise your hands with answers unless you like to reach for the unattainable.

 

I rounded the corner and approached the building, the store, the warehouse, the retail place, and in my mind, I thought to myself, "I hate my job" over and over and over and over like white house propaganda in the media echo chamber.  "I hate these plants, I hate those plants, I hate this sidewalk, I hate these sliding glass doors, I hate those plants, I hate the fluoroscent lights, I hate the shopping carts, I hate all this candy, I hate halloween, I hate, I hate, I hate", and I walked to my locker, past the schedule where I checked to see that I indeed had not been scheduled the day before even though I could hardly believe I had it, a sunday, off.  Normally I work sundays, and it was so freaking nice to have a sunday off because I was able to see and be with my friends, I hugged them and we ate and talked and sat around fascinated by life and our lives in the living world of other lives.

 

But this was monday, and like I said, I was walking to my locker because I needed to get to it.  I'm very goal oriented, ambitious, a real go-getter, and when I make up my mind to do something, you very well better believe that I'm going to do it or die trying, and in this instance, I was dead set on, determined to get to, to arrive at my locker.  I walked from the bulletin board with the schedule on it and made it to my locker after going past the storage room with mops, floor buffers and other cleaning supplies.  I was so happy to get to my locker that I decided to celebrate.  I went around the whole store hugging and kissing random people with a huge contagious smile on my face, and none of them seemed offended or put off.  I was so happy that they became happy because I was happy, and we, all of us, were all smiles.

 

I started to think, "I love work, I love you, and I love you, and I love you too, and you are beautiful, and you are really beautiful, and you have such a lovely smile, and it's so nice to see you smile, and gosh, I didn't know you were capable of smiling, and wow, it's such a pleasure to be around your lovely soul."

 

and then, the manager, Barack, asked me to sweep the side patio where the plants used to be but where the soil pallets are now kept.  a lot of litter had blown in and eddied in a corner and was making the place look shabby, unkempt, so I was assigned to kempt it.

 

I looked at the unkemptness of the area and really looked hard at it, at all of the detritus, debris, paper, plastic.  My initial reaction was one of shock and awe, which then turned to denial, and then anger, and then sadness that there could be such a problem, a catastrophe in anybody's life.  Nobody deserves to have litter cluttering up their space.  It's horrible, paper and plastic wrappers, but not really, it wasn't so bad after I got over the shock and other stuff I just mentioned. 

 

I developed a strategy for attacking the clutter and presented it in a powerpoint presentation for Barack who liked it, and so we sent it on, up to the store manager for approval which happened almost immediately after we submitted the plan.

 

So I got two brooms, a dustpan with a handle, and I emptied the garbage cans so that I'd have receptacle space for the clutter, and I then I really had the time of my life.  I've never had a better time ever.  I didn't realize how much I love sweeping, the motion of pushing the broom forward while moving my body forward in small steps.  It's so much like dance, it might as well be a dance, so I started to sing a song to sweep to, and I got so happy and giddy that I moved into a transcendent mind state.  I started to scream gutterally, as if the universe was speaking through me to all existence.  I couldn't stop screaming, so somebody called an ambulance and the paramedics restrained me, and then they gave me a shot of something, and the next thing I know, I was at home in my bed, warm and cozy with birds chirping outside and a spider outside the window mending its web.

 

This is the end of the story.  I hope you liked it.

 

Also, "The Cousins Tour 2011" has reached it's $1000.00 goal, so it's being funded.  Thank you funders!

 

It will start Nov 4 at Smokey's Tangle in Oakland, and it will go until Nov 13th up to Washington, the state.

 

I will keep you posted.

 

Sincerely,

 

Paulette

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Unbelievably Live Paulette Show

Dear Person,

 

Some people have been complimenting me about my writing, so, sadly, this encourages me, and you get another e-mail about my life.

 

I hope you're having a great spring break out at the beach, and that you're getting laid all over the place and that you're having the best time you've ever had in your short, happy life.

 

Today, I took time off from laying eggs in rotting fruit and vegetables to go to work at the big, retail box-store.  I don't really remember being there, and I try to forget being there because it causes me pain, but I remember getting up earlier than usual to go someplace, and the next thing I know, I'm walking towards my little apartment at about 5 p.m., so I'm pretty sure I went to work today.

 

Again, my showbiz career got a shot in the arm on Friday when I played again at Smokey's Tangle, Oakland's premier artspace where you don't pay department store prices.  I was asked by Jess Anthony, the exhibiting artist, to play music, and play music I did, with me, myself and I and me and me and the Fantastic Matt Piucci of boatclub and dream syndicate, I mean Rain Parade fame.  Matt helped me sing the liquor store song and the rollerskate song, and it was a musical tour de force.  It was really impressive him and me singing together in the art space for over 15 people.

 

I sold a cd to a girl/woman who was part of the exhibit/show.  She had a vending machine façade and sat behind it making postcards for anybody who shelled out $2.00.  The "machine" would talk to people, saying things like "Can you recommend a good tax lawyer?" and "It's getting hot in here, I need out" and "I can make you an even better postcard for $3.00," but I wasn't about to be fooled.  I could clearly see that she was behind the façade, making fools out of so many hapless, helpless people, so I started screaming, "It's not really a machine, it's just like in the wizard of oz.  Don't be fooled you guys.  There's a person in there, in the machine, can't you see, why can't you just believe me.  I'm not crazy, I'm not stupid, this machine is really a person behind a cloth computer facade, pretending to be a machine."

 

But nobody would believe me.  In fact, they said, "we don't believe you, what's wrong with you, of course it's a machine, don't be silly," and so I gave up defeated and angry.

 

Here's a photo of me playing while a woman attendee rapturously listens to me play.

 

Jess's show consisted of maps of the east bay, and attendees were invited to mark places on these maps with pens where things happened to them.  For example, one map would have a placard above it reading something like "Where was your soul crushed?" or "Where did you leave your heart?" and then people would mark on the map where these events occurred.

 

Our fund drive is up to $596.00, so we only need $404.00 to make $1000.00 for the "Cousins Tour", and it looks like the tour is gonna be from Nov 4 to about Nov 15th or 16th, starting in Oakland and probably ending somewhere in Seattle or Vancouver.

 

Sincerely,

 

Paulette

photo