paulette's hypermeaningful weblog


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

SPAM: My Boring Scanner Story Part 1



Dearly Beloved,


In my last missive to y'all, I mentioned in a postscript that i had a really boring story to tell about my scanner, and i said to let me know if you wanted to hear it.


Well, the response has been overwhelming.  Every single one of you, my mailees, but one begged me to tell my scanner story.


So here it goes.


"I woke up that morning and didn't know what time it was because I had moved my futon mattress to the floor to get a good sleep, and in order to see my clock, i had to prop myself up on my arm and look backward.  I really didn't feel like knowing what time it was since i didn't have any appointments on my day off and felt like resting after walking many miles at work.  According to my pedometer, I had walked about 25 miles over the past 4 days, and my legs begged me to let them rest in my warm bed.  So there I lay, moving in and out of sleep until later in the morning or early afternoon when i awoke and assumed the position, the  yogic child's pose, while still in bed.  The child's pose felt really good, so i stayed in it for a few minutes with my blanket over my back to keep me warm and safe from the dangerously cold morning in my apartment overlooking broadway ave.


My blanket is really a combination of blankets in that i have a down comforter with a fluffy synthetic green plaid blanket over it in order to keep me extra, extra comfortable when the mercury takes a dive and goes swimming.  The down feathers bunch up in the corners of the comforter so the warmest parts of my bed are the corners, but the corners are really too small for me to fit in, so the only thing really keeping the heat in is the duvet cover material itself.  Hence the need for the fluffy synthetic blanket.


My aunt has some really old blankets.  Some of them look like they're about 25 or 30 years old, but they still keep you warm, and the wool ones still itch.


My pillow is really comfortable though.  I don't know how else to say it.  When my head and neck are resting on it, i stop thinking about my blankets because my pillow feels so cushy but supportive, supportive like an underwire bra or a jock strap.  I like pillows because as a popular television mental counselor says, "It gives you a soft place to land."  When the world is falling apart, i can count on the softness of my pillow.


After I finished stretching in the child's pose, I took my blanket and duvet (comforter) off and cast them aside like a useless 45 year old while i stood tall like an eagle stretching itself on a rock looking over a lake with non-native fish in it.  I've seen bald eagles at the san Francisco zoo, and I have to say that they truly are majestic creatures what with their severe, no nonsense expressions and how they never seem to lighten up and relax.


But I certainly was relaxed and rejuvenated after resting and stretching in my futon-on-the-floor bed.  I felt like a million dollars, like I had enough strength and motivation to get all the way out of bed and stand up on my svelte and toned legs.  I'm mostly a thin person, but I can get overweight sometimes, like the time when I had a desk job and would eat pasta and potatoes and rice and bread and butter and cow fat and chicken fat and French fries and 7 pounds of bacon covered with 5 pounds of swiss cheese per week.  And I would also eat snicker's bars because they are so incredibly satisfying and healthy because they have peanuts in them and peanuts are from a plant, and plants are natural.  I started to put on weight, and it went to my abdomen and hips, and my doctor recommended eating less and doing situps.   I told my friends about what my doctor said, and they looked at me in disbelief, saying, "but you're so thin" and I always thought I was kind of thin so I was kind of confused, but now that I walk for about 8 hours a day at work, I start to see that maybe I had a bit of abdominal fat that I didn't need. 


But I don't feel any different now that I walk for hours at a time each day.  In fact, it kind of makes me tired when my pedometer says that I've taken 20,000 steps at work and 2000 is supposed to make a mile.


But I was able to stand up and walk out of bed on that day when I had the excitement with my scanner, my Shitronics Scanville 4000, one of the hottest scanners in it's price range the week that I bought it.  The week after I bought it, the Shitronics company stopped "supporting" it, and we all know what this means, if you have a problem with it, it's really too bad.  It's a sad, sad story.


That's the end of part 1.  Stay tuned for part 2.


and here's a song i made for my friend Brian's retail merchandising character Oopsie Daisy.  The line is discontinued, but you can still find stuff on  Some people in england made a fan club for her, so i made her a song.


Oopsie Daisy Song 


Love Always,



Friday, March 12, 2010

SPAM: Story by Tom Carns and Paulette Nichols

Hi fan,
I was just called by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  I told the woman i didn't have any money.  The woman was pushy.  she wanted me to mail out 15 letters to people.  I think i would have done it, but i was busy writing this really important e-mail.  I think i will go to hell or that maybe my selfishness puts me in hell already.  Does anybody out there have leukemia or lymphoma, or do you know somebody who has or has had it?  I'll understand if you never want to have anything to do with me again.
As many of you know, I've been working on a story not about leukemia or lymphoma with Tom Carns, the Man, for about 35 years now, and this is what we've done with it so far.  Thanks to Sonya to who had the idea to put the art into a slideshow.
Also, a number of you may know and love bob and ray.  Here's a song i made using some words from one of their bits.
I made this song for my friend Chandler because it's his birthday soon and I'm thankful that he's still alive.  His wife is super lovely too.
Go buy his music. 
Selfishly and Myopically Yours,
Let me know if you want me to tell you my really boring story about my scanner.