paulette's hypermeaningful weblog

War and Peace: Pierre's Mother

2012-01-22T20:27:00.001-08:00

I don't mean to spoil the ending, but after reading 100 pages of the wrong translation of Warren Peace, I'm willing to bet that Pierre's Mother is Napoleon.

At Anna Pavlovna Scherer's soiree and fete and fiesta, we see how Pierre comes without his mom so that Anna has to fill in, taking up the mom role, trying to keep him out of party trouble. This absence of his mother begs the question, "Who is his mother?"

Later, we see how Pierre goes to see his dying father, but his mom isn't there in any way whatsoever, so Anna Mihalovna Dubretskoy coaches Pierre, telling him what to do in the sacramental rituals of Count Bezuhov's Great Big Death Pageant. Again, the absence of Pierre's mother is conspicuous and easy to see and obvious and a large curiousity and a profound mystery.

I predict that Pierre's mother turns out to be Napoleon because Pierre idolizes Napoleon as evidenced by his statement that "Napoleon is great because he towered above the revolution, suppressed its abuses, preserving all that was good in it." And this idolatry reminds of when Luke Skywalker idolized Darth Vader, and Darth Vader turned out to be his dad.

So, I'm willing to bet that Napoleon is Pierre's Mother even if not explicitly stated in the text.

Show Notes and a kind of new song

2012-01-18T21:14:00.001-08:00

Hello Hardcore Paulette Fan,

Just so you know, the show at Brainwash went really well. I sold a t-shirt and made my year's income in one fell swoop, all at once, in a single transaction. After heated and protracted negotiations between parties, I sold the "Shut the Fu## Up" t-shirt for $7.5 million. I'll be donating most of the money to the republican committee to re-elect the president and to another non-profit called "Eliminate Public Education" based here in Oakland.

And I made a recording of this song I'd only recorded sloppily on a video.

As I'm sure you know, songs about showing off your ass are huge right now, and if there's a bandwagon, I always try to be the first one to jump on.

Here's my Ass song.

"I Really Like to Show Off My Ass"

Love,

Paulette

The Eminent Marketability of Let’s Paint TV’s Art

2012-01-12T09:52:00.001-08:00

The art of Let’s Paint TV is eminently marketable. I’m not kidding, it’s really marketable, there’s a big market for it. A lot of people want this artwork. It’s timely and relevant to the times, and it’s warm and caring, and it’s like getting a great big hug all the time you are around it, and other animals are attracted to it too. Dogs love it. Cats love it. Rats love it. Hamsters, birds, all other rodents besides hamsters and cats, animals of the savannah, and all fish and reptiles and amphibians love it. Duckbilled platypuses and all plant species love it too, maybe even more than the aforementioned hamsters love it.

Very recently, a spider was setting its web up outside my window just so that it could see my “Embrace Failare” painting from let’s paint tv inside on my wall. I saw the spider catch itself making a mistake while making it’s web, and it chuckled, looking at me and pointing to the words, “Embrace Failare” in the painting.

I’ve had to put stickers on my apartment windows to keep birds from trying to fly into my apartment just to see my let’s paint tv oil painting. Too many birds have run smack dab into the middle of my windows, trying to get in. I truly believe that if I had a nickel for each one, I’d be able to afford my lavish lifestyle.

So hop on the wholesale bandwagon and buy Let’s Paint TV art up before it’s all gone because it’s eminently marketable. I’m not kidding. It’s really marketable.

Accolade and Begging and Show

2012-01-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

In case you were wondering whether or not it's still ok to absolutely love and fawn over my music, Belinda from Bubbles in the Think Tank on WMFO out of Medford Massachusetts decided to put the remake of "Bike Riding in a Dress" on her "best of" list for 2011. So let the flood gates open and just gush and gush and gush until you're completely gushed out, and then go back to whatever it is you do.

And she's collecting donations, like all good artists, to make a vinyl record for record store day, a celebration that I was hitherto unaware of until she asked me to make a song for the vinyl record.

"Record Store Day is an internationally celebrated day observed the third Saturday of April each year. Its purpose, as conceived by independent record store employee Chris Brown, is to celebrate the art of music.^[1] The day brings together fans, artists, and the over 700 independently owned record stores in the United States, along with hundreds of independent record stores across the world.^[2]"

If you are interested in financing the project, here is the link.

Also, I'm playing at Brainwash in San Francisco, this saturday, jan 14th at 10 p.m. Also featured on the bill will be Mark Hanley, and I believe he said Matt Piucci and John Thoman would show up, and maybe even stephan junca. But I can only confirm Mark Hanley, so if the other ones don't show up, remember what I said.

I know you're worried that I'll be up past my bedtime, but I'll drink tea and wear warm clothes.

Happy New Year!!

My latest thing is to tell people, "I hope waterfulls of love pour into your heart, causing it to explode in ectasy"

and so I say to you, my undyingly loyal fanatics, I hope waterfulls of love pour into your heart, causing it to explode in ectasy.

Love,

Paulette

SPAM

2011-12-15T10:56:00.001-08:00

Hi mailing list devotee,

I'm playing saturday night in oakland at Book Zoo's 9th anniversary party.

14 glen ave off of piedmont avenue in oakland saturday december 17th.

I'll show up late and play a set around 9 or 10 p.m.

I made a radio bit for it, so blast it on your radio show.

I've also been doing investigative journalism.

if you have any mailing list advice, let me know. I have a facebook page where I post a lot of crap that I do, and I send this stuff out too. there are too many ways to post crud on the freakin' internet. feel free to friend me on facebook.

I also post a lot of crud on my blog.

Yours,

Paulette

Does Coke Have Polar Bear Meat In It?

2011-12-14T15:52:00.001-08:00

I work in retail, so I’m very sensitive to product packaging, especially when it comes to soft drinks around the holidays. And this year, Coca-Cola’s 12 packs have pictures of polar bears and snow on them, so I was more than curious to know more about this whole product push and called up one of my friends who knows nothing about coke and much like me doesn’t drink it. What follows is my interview with my friend.

P: Does Coke have polar bear meat in it?

Friend: Probably. I think it’s about half full of polar bear meat.

P: And there’s a picture of snow too on the package, so is there snow in it as well?

Friend: I think it’s about an eighth full of snow.

If this is true, how can coke get away with this? Don’t they realize that polar bears are a vulnerable species because of habitat loss and that 8 of the 19 polar bear subpopulations are in decline.

Buy a Paulette T-shirt

2011-12-07T18:56:00.001-08:00

in an attempt to waste my time, I hand painted these unpopularly sized t-shirts to sell when we went on tour in November, and now it’s December, and I still have them. Are you a Medium or Large size with a love of Paulette. Well, we can help you. Only $20.00 each plus shipping, and you or your loved one will not be able to stop smiling while wearing or simply owning one of these beauties. Fruit of the loom 100% cotton. I can also make one your size if you’d like.

omigod, it’s a guitar.

the enlightened one.

yet another beautiful guitar, jiggling this time

incredible balancing act

everybody’s favorite sea creatures

“Use your words” they tell me.

a kitty by a rock and some grass

Love Paulette

Fw: Now Casting! Show from the Producer of Amazing Race (Los Angeles, CA)

2011-11-29T16:28:00.000-08:00

John Kilduff
46 years old
mrletspaint@gmail.com
Los Angeles

Paulette Nichols
41? years old
paulette@pauletteinternational.com
Oakland

We are cousins and entertainers to boot. Paulette is an award winning singer/song writer and I am best known for my cable access tv show "Let's Paint TV". We just finished touring together and we still are talking to each other! Because we are cousins.....you can rest assure that the whole Kelly clan will be watching! Also, as an extra bonus....I am terrified of heights so that will be sun to film too.

We are both broke....I am underwater in my house and have a van that has over 250k on it and Paulette works at gigantic retail warehouse, pushing carts need I say more?

*Here's are links of our social conquests:

http://facebook.com/letspainttv
http://www.youtube.com/letspainttv
http://letspainttv.blogspot.com/
http://www.stickam.com/letspainttv
http://letspainttv.com/
http://johnkilduff.com/
http://twitter.com/letspainttv

http://pauletteinternational.com/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Paulette/60798405745
http://www.youtube.com/user/paulettemusic
http://paulettethehumanbeing.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/paulettehumanbe

Pay Me Money to Read this. I want to be a working writer.

2011-11-14T14:40:00.001-08:00

I went to the library and the bookstore and noticed there was a shortage, a paucity of literature, so I thought I’d write this travel log for you.

Touring is fun

It’s fun to drive long distances, staring at the road, watching things go by. So far, I’ve watched trees go by, cars go by, trucks go by, asphalt, cows, bridges, airplanes, people, gas stations, neighborhoods, communities, post offices, bowling alleys, dogs, deer, birds, a refinery, your life, my life, everybody’s life, flowers, flowering plants, maple trees, ships, trains. And it’s all been so exciting, so different than my life usually is.

Seattle is especially different from Oakland because the people wear jeans and jackets in stead of animal skins. And they don’t have coffee shops up here, they have cafes, so it seems more French, more exotic, specialer, more special.

And instead of having a bear for a school mascot, they have a dog. I love many dogs, so it makes me so happy to see a dog as a school mascot. I mean that says a lot about the school, having a domesticated animal as mascot instead of a wild animal that really doesn’t want to have anything to do with people other than eating their food and possibly their pets. Huskies have a lot of traits that we, as human beings admire. They are strong and like to pull sleds, and I know I like to dream of being strong and some day wearing a harness and pulling a sled.

The wildest animals we’ve encountered so far have been the employees at a music store in Portland where they guy tried to upsell me to 8 picks instead of 7.

“That’s $1.75. You want to make that an even 8 so that it’s $2.00”

“No thanks, I’m on a really tight budget”, I said as a reflex, and then I thought a bit about it for 0.7 seconds, deciding to stay firm on the 7.

“Could I get a receipt”

“I pushed the button so that it wouldn’t create a receipt”

“Oh.”, I responded. His response translated to, “No, I’m not going to give you a receipt”

It’s kind of funny, because I read the google reviews of the store before going in, and there were some pretty heavy criticisms of the store employees’ attitude.

I’d have to say that all in all, this was the most exciting part of the trip. I mean we could’ve been killed if I’d gotten smart with the guy and said, “Do you have to be an asshole to work here?”

And later that day while we were walking back from the light rail stop to our friend’s house, we thought some guy was shadowing us, hiding behind things as we looked at him, so we rushed him, tackling him and tying him to a tree with zip ties and rope. And then he stopped following us.

Shortly after that, I started to pick up messages through my fillings, but I put on a tinfoil hat, and they stopped.

In Portland, we walked to the light rail and could’ve taken it for free into the city center, because that’s what how it’s set up, but we decided to pay money for tickets in order to help support the Portland economy. The light rail went over a bridge and into Chinatown where we ate Chinese food at a Chinese food restaurant. I had tofu with vegetables and john had chicken with vegetables. It was really a fun experience to taste Chinese food for the first time in my whole life. We even saw some Chinese people. The woman who served me was some kind of Asian, so she looked different than me. At first I thought that since she looked different that she might kill me and eat me, but then, I learned to relax and trust her, and by the time we left, I felt that we were both pretty much the same as each other.

They also spoke in a different language from mine. At first, I laughed and thought their speaking sounded funny, so I made fun of it and made derisive songs about them. And when they spoke English, it had a funny accent, so I ridiculed them and told them they were stupid, but again, after I spent some time with them, I realized that they were beautiful people, not some dumb sled dogs.

I didn’t watch them make the food, but I hear they stir-fry it in a big round metal pan called a wok. It really was tasty, and I’d completely recommend my Chinese food experiences to anybody and everybody.

After Portland Tuesday, we played in a café in Seattle on Wednesday to over 10,000 people who wouldn’t stop screaming, “We love you! Take our money! Please!” over and over and over. They just didn’t stop screaming. John sold 10,000 t-shirts at $20.00 a pop, grossing $200,000.00. I had made the wrong sizes, only medium and large, so I didn’t sell any, but I sold over 5000 albums through itunes. With sales like these, it really makes me want to get back on the road soon after we finish this tour up.

Wednesday night, we drove in the dark, north to Anacortes, and we stayed overnight with a motorcycle gang that john friended on facebook. Thursday night we played at a record shop to 3 people, and this was a nice change from the hellish, cramped, crowded, sardine tin we packed so many people into the previous night in Seattle. We spent another night with the motorcycle gang, but when they got really drunk, they kept pointing handguns at us and saying, “Bang, you’re dead,” so we we’re happy to get out of there Friday morning to where we are now, Seattle, the land of the people who wear clothing.

There was an upside to the motorcycle gang because they had beautiful dogs that we played with in a big backyard filled with birds, squirrels, rain, grass, trees, and a empty plastic water jug, the gallon size. One dog was a blue healer named Barack, and the other was a terrier named michelle, and they were the loveliest, friendliest, winningest dogs you’d ever want to meet.

And we got to stay on a block with a level 2 sex offender living on it, something I’m sure I’ve done before without being aware of it, but this time, I was cognizant of it, aware of it, apprised of it, advised. I slept really well that night, and it was pretty much the most relaxing sleep I had during the trip, waking up to the sound of rain in a soft, warm, clean bed with the dogs dancing around on the hardwood floors in the other room.

Even though the motorcycle gang got hairy near the end of our stay with it, we spent some fascinating, wonderful time with one of their PR people who drove us to the thrift store in Oak Harbor so that I could get some used postcards and john could get another blender after he fried the one his mom gave him from her vast store of blenders. While in the store, a woman waylaid me as I passed her, asking me, “what size is this” while she held the handwritten size and price tag up for me to see.

“It’s an extra large”

“and what’s the price?”

“Uh, looks like $3.29”

“Thank you.”

“No problem”

Apparently, there is a large nomadic population in oak harbor because of the naval base nearby, so they get a lot of “good” material possessions flowing in and out of their doors. I had fun looking at the young adult book section for some reason, opening up a copy of Charles dickens’ Great Expectations and reading about how Chuck would read his stories and become each character so fully that he could terrify his listeners. And so I started to read Lawrence Yep’s dragonwings, completely becoming each character for my impromptu audience of thrift store listeners. The employees asked me to leave, but I didn’t listen, and finally, they called law enforcement which arrived right when I was getting to the part where the kid confronts the mean, ignorant, fearful bully, beating the crap out of him for all of his minions, a.k.a. sheep, to see.

I kept saying, screaming, “No, wait, let me finish this part, this is beautiful, don’t you care about him, haven’t you faced a bully, beating the crap out of him or her, fighting for a little respect and peace. Are you all stupid sheep? Don’t you get it?! I hate you! You’re all stupid! I hate you!”

And then, the Oak Harbor police guy put his hand on my head so that I wouldn’t hit it on the door of his squad car as he put me handcuffed in the back seat.

The police guy was nice, and took me in for psychological evaluation, a test much like the one they administer on e-harmony.com, the dating website. The results of the test took a while to process, and the officer said I was mostly sane, but that I’d have to wear a bark collar if I wanted to go back to the thrift store. I agreed to go home and take a long nap. With my consent, he shared the test results with e-harmony dot com and I was paired with keith olbermann, but I can’t see what we’d have in common other than breathing and disdain for grandstanding.

As I said, we drove to Seattle from Anacortes on Friday, ending up near the University of Washington. The drive was a lot of fun as usual, mostly because we drove past cows and an oil refinery, a beautiful island oil refinery where the natives lived and worked and partied and celebrated the majestic sanctity of mother earth’s beauty.

And when we got to Seattle, we were struck by the beauty of the thousands of cars parked around us on Interstate Five, a truly breathtaking sight reminiscent of lemmings running over a cliff to their deaths. John and I were so taken by the natural beauty of the pacific northwest that we started to cry, and we kept on crying for the whole half hour we were stuck in gridlock traffic. It just hit us all of a sudden after it had been building up during our approach to Seattle.

“Was this freeway built by native Americans?” I asked john.

“I think so.”

“Is it true that it’s made completely out of fish paste and plant fiber.

“I think it’s fish paste and deer meal. That’s why the deer population is so depleted up here.”

“I thought it was because so many of them were hit by cars.”

“That’s what they want you to think, but most of them were used to build the freeway.”

We got off on one of the exits and drove to the university district, the one around the university of Washington, the university with the canine mascot I’ve already told you about.

This is what I wrote while I was inside the university bookstore café, a small city within a building on university avenue. I was really stoned and drunk off my ass at the time, so I’m not sure it makes any sense, and I’m really quite embarrassed to admit that I’d been driving drunk the whole day, but the weed took some of the edge off of the alcohol and made it easier to function around new mothers pushing their baby strollers across the streets with family dogs in tow.

“I’m looking at a girl with a rust jacket and jean shorts with tights and chartreuse boots, looking cute in the café, probably thinking about computing or doing some kind of homework. And I’m amazed at her rust colored jacket, how she got it that color, possibly by taking some steel, rusted by seattle rain, and scraping the rust off into a bucket where she somehow extracts the rust color from the rust. She’s leaving abruptly after giving me a dirty look because I’m staring at her. I’m running after her as fast as I can to ask her how on earth she got that color, but she is getting scared and sprinting, and I am running into a pole.”

And so we stayed in the café, me writing fascinatingly while john slept. We got there about 3 p.m. with four hours to relax and sit and listen to a new band called the Beatles play on the café entertainment system. I went up to the girl behind the counter.

“What band is this playing?” I asked, pointing at the speaker where the sound was coming out.

“The Beatles”

“The Beatles?” I asked, with an intense interest, a fascination even.

“Yep”

“Are they a new band?”

“No, they’re from the 60’s”

“The 1960’s?”

“Yep.” She responded, looking at me like I was crazy or kidding her.

“Are they an American band?”

“They’re from Britain”

“hmm” I uttered, pleasantly surprised.

“wow, I really like them. I’m gonna look them up at the record store. Thank you.”

And we sat there at the café table with the hanging lamps and studious people studying around us, filling their heads with extremely important problems and information. It was exciting to be in a university book store filled with t-shirts, mugs, keychains, binders, hoodies, socks, hats, condoms, toilet seat covers, toilet paper, toothbrushes, and rectal thermometers all emblazoned with the husky mascot dog. It was exciting to feel that much husky energy, to see so much love for a dog, so much love for one of Earth’s most beautiful, perfect, graceful creatures.

I felt so at home, so connected to all these other dog lovers. I really felt like I was having the peakest of all peak experiences I’d ever had in my life, that everything after this husky experience would be less than, not as good as, inferior to being in the dog lovers’ mecca.

So, time rolled around like a rolling wheel, and we drove to the venue which housed the “Official Bad Art Museum of Art”, and when we got there, we parked right in front and celebrated our fantastic parking space. I was really happy to be so close to the front door because I was getting tired of loading and unloading all of our equipment, a.k.a. shit, in and out of the car.

I think people were genuinely surprised to hear me sing “Shut the Fuck Up” where I tell people to shut up because I’m singing, but they laughed and got it. There was a table of loud girls who didn’t come to see the show but who were determined to talk loudly, so that was about the second song I played, and they seemed to understand that they weren’t the only people in the room. People responded during the shout chorus of “The Cow”, so that was fun, and it was fun. I ended with the Transgendered song, to kill the air of levity and frivolity, to signify that the fun was over and we’d all have to go back to our grinding lives.

A girl offered us a place to stay after the show but kept inviting people to her house to party, so we drove to a motel near the sea-tac airport and spent the night for $71.00 which included breakfast the next morning. I made the oatmeal with warm water and nothing to really flavor it.

At 1:30 a.m., before we went to the motel, we stopped by the chain that never closes and sat in a booth next to a group of 20 year olds, one of whom was passed out drunk. It was fun to watch him dry out in front of our very eyes.

Which reminds me of Saturday night, after our public access show performance when a group of five of us went to a food-serving bar called “The Asshole”, and I ordered a hamburger and tater tots and finished them and put my head down on the table because I was tired, and John was blathering on and on about his life to our new friends, and the barkeep comes over and says, “I’m sorry, you can’t put your head down on the table because if the alcohol board comes in, it looks like we overserved you.” And I looked at him in disbelief, and he looked at me like I’d better listen to him or else, and I felt like I was in the company of an idiot. So just remember, it’s not how things are, but how they look that matters.

The public access tv performance was fun because two friends called in to the showand told me they loved me on air, in front of the audience, so that’s something that doesn’t happen every day.

After we left “The Asshole” when it was dark and rainy, we stayed at a beautiful princess’ apartment, me on the sofa, John on the floor, and the next morning, we left for the open road after eating breakfast at a breakfast restaurant in Portland, OR on a corner where the traffic goes by.

In a celebration of good service we tipped the waiter 20% and told him we loved him and that he made our meal so happy and warm and loving and that we felt like we were eating at a close friend’s house. He kissed me and John on the cheek and gave us long hugs and told us we were welcome any time and that we’d get free water the next time we visited.

And then we got on interstate 5 and drove from 10 a.m. to about 10 p.m. stopping for gas and food and stretches. In Yreka, we got gas at a shell. I parked the car and walked into the store.

“Hi, How’s it going?” I asked.

The attendant looked at me, saying nothing as I walked to the bathroom.

I finished my important bathroom business and walked to the candy aisle to get some gum with phenylalanine in it, or whatever it is that affects people with phenylketonuria, giving them ketonuria. I chose the watermelon fruity burst flavor and went to the cashier’s counter where I waited for the cashier guy to come in so that I could pay. I stretched my back while holding on to the counter and then rested my head on my arms, stretching my back some more, and he came in saying, “Don’t sleep on my counter,” so I replied, “Yes ma’am, right away ma’am. You sure look pretty. Are you seeing anyone? Would you like to go for a drink after you get off? You have the prettiest eyes. I bet guys tell you that all the time.”

And then I woke up face down in pine needles, bleeding from my nose and mouth with bruises on my ribs and neck. John picked me up and brushed me off, washing my face with dirty, gas-station squeegee water, and I was as good as new. We got back on the road and laughed it all off. Ha ha ha ha.

We had a lot of fun counting the dead deer alongside the road and watching the drunk drivers weaving to and fro on a Sunday night like a weaver weaving with a thing that weavers use, some shuttle kind of thing.

Then we got to Oakland where I dumped John and soon after dumped myself into bed where I fell asleep and slept after watering my near dead coffea Arabica and basil plants which kind of came back life today.

All in all, I learned a lot about driving and people who live in foreign countries like Oregon and Washington. They really are just like you and me, with the same concerns and needs and joys and sorrows and the same everything. They are all clones, exactly like you and me.

Love,

Paulette

Cousin's Tour 2011 Nov 4 and 5

2011-11-06T16:57:00.000-08:00

Everything is really exciting.

It’s a lot of fun to be doing whatever it is we’re doing.

John is smiling all the time even though we aren’t talking to each other any more. I haven’t slept for the past day, and I haven’t bathed or changed my underwear in one day, so I feel like a wild animal, like a dog or a cat.

John flew in from LA, and his arms were really tired after he flew in to Oakland International Airport in Oakland. I had a lot of fun driving there to pick him up. So far, that’s been my favorite part of the trip. It really has. All of the other drivers on the road were really polite, and it’s a beautiful drive from my house to Hegenberger road down 880. If you’ve never driven it, you really should.

We started fighting from the moment I picked him up at the last terminal at OAK, and it still hasn’t stopped. If anything, it’s gotten worse. As I said, we stopped talking to each other, and we don’t look at each other either.

We hired some roadies, but they bailed out, jumped ship at the last minute, so we set everything up by ourselves at Smokey’s Tangle as best we could. I was so glad I’d had so much experience at my retail job carrying things around, lifting them and putting them in places. I never thought I’d be able to use these manual labor skills anywhere other than at work, but I realize now, that I’m an expert lifter and mover, and it’s something that I’m really proud of.

I sang and played guitar with Mark Hanley on bass, and the audience went absolutely super fruity bonkers, listening and sitting still and only occasionally checking their e-mails and texting and shopping for live entertainment values on their smart phones.

And then John did his thing, and me, hillary, mark, matt, stefanie, and god made a bunch of noise while he did it. The spray paint smell made me gag, and we tried to catch the exploding popcorn in our mouths. It was fun. Then we packed up and went home and drove to Arcata the next day.

We drove in the tercel and got there at about 2:30 or so, maybe 3 or so. Sitting and driving for long periods of time is a lot of fun. The longer I sit, the more I can feel my ass, until it goes numb, and there’s something about focusing my attention on my ass that is grounding and comforting.

Our hosts bought a treadmill for $20.00 and were in the process of trucking it to the venue, Blondies in Arcata, when it flew out of the truck on the freeway. Luckily, and I mean luckily, nobody was hurt. According to the driver, the only witness, it started to shake soon after he got on the freeway, and then it got quiet as it flew out the back. And then he saw a lot of sparks in the rear view mirrors.

So I played, and then John did another performance sans treadmill, and it went fine. I sold a t-shirt, so we’re gonna end the tour early because I sold it for $500,000.00.

And this morning, we went out for breakfast and ate food. And then we went to the redwood forest park where we looked at Redwood trees and ferns and a stream for 15 minutes. Then we went to the beach where we looked at and walked on sand for 30 minutes, and then we bought groceries at the nearby grocery store in Trinidad. The checker tried to charge me $2.99 per pound of organic golden apples when the price was marked as $1.99, and I started screaming, “Don’t Fuck with me sweetheart!” over and over and over and over and then the manager hit me in the head with a pool cue, and I blacked out.

I woke up in front of the TV watching a documentary about the guy who invented Jelly Bellies.

Love Always,

Paulette

Cousins Tour 2011 Press Release

2011-10-26T20:55:00.001-07:00

Press contact: Paulette Nichols

paulette@pauletteinternational.com

For Immediate Release

A Functional Family Tours the Pacific Northwest

Mr. Let’s Paint TV, a.k.a John Kilduff, and Paulette Nichols will be embarking on a week long tour of northern California, Oregon and Washington, the state. They are second cousins and found each other in later life to the acclaim of audiences everywhere. The tour starts in Oakland, CA and goes as far north as Anacortes, WA, hitting the cities of Arcata, Portland and Seattle along the way.

They will be driving in a ’92 Toyota Tercel, a car Paulette wrote a song about which was played on NPR’s Car Talk.

John Kilduff is the Star and Creator of Let’s Paint TV, a huge underground internet sensation with his youtube page having received over 1 million hits. He has performed in Canada, Los Angeles, Australia, Kansas City, New York City and Florida. He has also performed on America’s Got Talent and The Tyra Show. His show is like Bob Ross’ except it involves multi-tasking, making food, playing ping pong, answering viewer calls, and exercising at the same time mostly on a treadmill.

John, a.k.a. Mr. Let’s Paint a.k.a. Mr Paint, has been doing his show for over ten years now. Originally starting on Public Access in Eagle Rock, CA, he moved his show to his Los Angeles home studio after funding for the public access studio was cut.

Paulette is a singer and a songwriter based in Oakland, CA who sings and writes songs about what it’s like to be alive and moving around in the universe. She has fans on 3 continents, at least that’s what itunes sales of her music indicate.

One purpose of their tour is to bring attention to the lack of creativity in the world and the fear surrounding the lack of creativity in the world. There are other purposes to the tour, but they might not be evident for many years to come, in fact, they might never become evident. The main premise of the tour is that it is not pointless.

Nov. 4 Smokey's Tangle, Oakland CA

Nov. 5 Blondies, Arcata CA

Nov. 6 Somewhere in Arcata.....

Nov. 8 The Way Post, Portland OR

Nov. 9 Urban Oasis, Seattle WA

Nov. 10 The Business, Anacortes WA

Nov. 11 Cafe Racer, Seattle WA

Nov 12 Experimental Half Hour, Portland OR

SPAM: Spam from Paulette

2011-10-06T11:41:00.001-07:00

Dear FAn,

two things.

One, we have 5 dates for the Cousins Tour

Nov. 4 Smokey's Tangle, Oakland CA

Nov. 5 Blondies, Arcata CA

Nov. 6 Open

Nov. 7 Open

Nov. 8 Open

Nov. 9 Open

Nov. 10 The Business, Anacortes WA

Nov. 11 Cafe Racer, Seattle WA

Nov 12 Experimental Half Hour, Portland OR

As you can see, we have dates open from Nov 6 to Nov 9, so if you know of somebody between Arcata and Portland just dying to see us, maybe let them know or let us know or let everybody in the universe know.

Two, I started a story about reviewing a band.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Sincerely,

Paulette

Here I am, Telling a story

2011-10-06T11:35:00.001-07:00

Dear undercritical, overly forgiving fan of my work,

Here’s something I dug up and reworked from a journal entry of mine about 6 or 7 years back. It’s called make-believe, and it’s sweeping the nation. Pretty soon, people who write, writers, will make up stories and say that they were divinely inspired, that their words came from a higher power, and that if you don’t live by these stories, you will be alienated, persecuted or worse. So pack your emotional baggage, buckle up and get ready for the greatest thing to hit literature since spelling, MAKE-BELIEVE.

I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to become an impoverished writer in Oakland, writing about music, theater, movies, anything, songs, live shows, cd’s and what the fuck. And since I really committed myself to doing this writing thing, writing about these things, music, anything, plays, and more, I got in touch with an editor, Jim Writerguy, of The Oakland Crier, one of the most prestigious papers on its block and told him I was interested in writing about crap happening in town.

I wanted to write about crap.

I had thought about becoming an impoverished writer in New York, but I didn’t think it was as glamourous, as interesting as writing in Oakland where all the people from Oakland lived. I wanted to be around Oakland’s people, to immerse myself in all things Oakland, to live, breathe, dream, eat, sleep, walk, talk, cry, laugh, hope, poop, pee, sweat, sneeze, barf, be Oakland.

And so I got a telegram one morning from Jim, and it read thusly:

Paulette

I only have so many characters to say this, so I’ll keep it shor

I figured there was more to the message, so I came in to talk with and look at him while he talked. He looked like this guy who was the publisher at a publishing company I used to work for. He had a face like most people, and he was white, from some kind of European, half-bred, eighth-bred lineage. It really doesn’t matter since all white people kind of look the same. At least in this case it really didn’t matter. Let’s just say he was a non-descript, bland, white-bread, white guy from suburbia who didn’t look obtuse.

I walked into his cubicle and he was there.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi, go write about this band, The Robots, and I’ll give you some money”

“Ok.” I said.

“Great.”

“What happened to your usual writer person?” I asked

Jim looked off into space and told me the following story which I’ll paraphrase for you.

The guy who normally covered those things died of a gunshot wound to the finger. It, the bullet, hit the middle finger of his left hand, nicking the very, very tip of it, knocking off the outer layer of skin. It didn’t bleed, but it opened the proverbial door for a viral infection from his cat, and in a matter of hours, he was dead. He had been trying to open a can of cat food for his cat, but he couldn’t find his can opener because his girlfriend had taken it with her to work. So he was trying to make do with a medium caliber handgun he had found by a crime scene on the way to work one day.

She, his girlfriend, had taken a liking to eating cat food and took a fresh, unopened can with her every day. The lids weren’t the easy opening variety with the built-in finger handle, so she really, really needed the can opener. Her favorite cat food flavor was turducken, a mixture of turkey, duck and chicken, and I have to say here that I’ve tried this cat food flavor, and in a pinch, in the lean times of economic downturn, it really hits the spot.

I left his office in disbelief, feeling that the story was so far-fetched that I was being lied to. I felt like I couldn’t really trust Jim if he was going to blow so much smoke up my ass that it started to come out of the corners of my eyes.

But I was bombarded by mass media once I got out of the newspaper’s offices, and all of the mass media confirmed Jim’s story, proving that it was completely and utterly true. For example, the headlines of The San Francisco Bugle read, “Entertainment Writer Dies Bizarrely.” That’s how they, those headlines, the ones of the San Francisco Bugle read.

I left the Crier’s offices at 10:47 a.m. and had the rest of the day to check my facebook account at the Rockridge branch of the Oakland Public Library. I had been trying for a whole week to think of something really clever to post because my self esteem was flagging, I really didn’t think too much of myself at the time, and it made me feel so liked, loveable, beautiful, fancy, and excellent when people liked what I wrote on my profile posts.

There was no line for the computers because people had mostly lost interest in them, so I got online real quick like. I didn’t have any facebook notices, the red things in the upper left corner of the screen, so I typed out “Even if you’re soul is as black as coal, I still love you,” and hit enter. And then, the power went out at the library, so I had to get a paper book. I went to the how to section for writers and got the book, “How to Write About Musical Performances” by Noel Belvin, who just so happened to be a writer for the San Francisco Bugle.

I found a comfy spot to read in, sat down and fell asleep. It was a relaxing, refreshing nap, so I woke up ready to read the book, turning to the first chapter, “Attending the Concert.” It read thusly:

“If you want to write about a concert, it really helps to attend it, the concert. I know because I’ve written about concerts I have and haven’t been to, and I find it much easier to write about concerts I have been to than concerts I haven’t been to. One time, I had to leave a concert early, before it started, so I had to listen to my friend’s bootleg of it, and this was before small video cameras, so I had to ask my friend what to say about the band’s stage presence and how the audience responded to them. This absentee writing was harder than attendee writing.”

I pondered these words, letting them percolate through my consciousness, through my being, letting them walk through my brain, through the thought tubes. I just sat there while all of this was going on, and around me there were other people reading books about child rearing and home improvement.

Finally, the ideas from the book blew up in my brain, and I said, “Wow” over and over and began to shake violently in a pacifistic way. It was exciting.

SPAM: More Crud Partially Related to Music

2011-09-27T11:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Deer,

I don't have a lot to say, but I have a bunch of words I've been putting into my new laptop computer which I got when I was on the price is right, I mean "let's make a deal". the guy picked me to do a deal and said to me, "do you want what's in this bag, or do you want what's behind door number one, two and three, and I said, "can I have a laptop?" to which he replied, "sure". so I now have a laptop computer.

it has totally changed my little, tiny, puny, infinitesimally small existence in ways I could never have dreamt or dreamed of. I can go to the café now and rent a table for the price of a tea and just sit there, staring into the screen, trying to count the white pixels. And since your life hangs on the ups and downs of my life, this really means great things for you too, so I hope you're as excited as I am about the whole thing.

In case you're wondering where I got the money, and if I spent the tour donation money on a laptop, the answer is, "I did not spend the tour donation money on a laptop." As it happens, I recently met this guy who works for a school that was upgrading their IT stuff a.k.a. computers, and they were "getting rid" of their old stuff, crud, junk, "dinosaurs", and so I'm now the proud owner of a Dell Latitude 1001 with windows XP, a battery that lasts 30 minutes and an 8 track player, and it only weighs 45 pounds.

I know you're envious, and I don't mean to make you feel technologically inferior to me, but I guess that's just something that you'll have to deal with. As someone once said, "Life's not fair," and I believe this wholeheartedly. You might think about adopting this mantra too as a way of dealing with summer street fairs and school or place of worship fairs. I know it helped me to accept this as truth.

I know your attention span is about 7 seconds, so I'll stop here, but if you want more, here are links.

Tour Press Release

Paulette's Artist's Statement

Love Always,

Paulette

For Immediate Release

2011-09-27T11:34:00.001-07:00

DO NOT READ THIS AT ALL, ANY OF IT, IT WILL BORE YOU, AND YOU’LL END UP BEING SAD ABOUT OUR IRRELEVANCE.

A Functional Family Tours the Pacific Northwest

In something we can all be happy about, John Kilduff and Paulette Nichols will be embarking on a week long tour of northern California, Oregon and Washington, the state. They are second cousins and both perform in front of audiences, making the audiences really happy, so much so that they shit their pants in ecstasy much like marathon runners who are experiencing such a runner’s high that they lose bowel control mid-race.

They will be driving in a ’92 Toyota Tercel, a car Paulette wrote a song about which was played on NPR’s Car Talk.

The tour starts in Oakland, CA at Smokey’s Tangle and Finishes in Anacortes WA at The Business, and will feature dates in Humboldt, Portland and Seattle as well.

John Kilduff is the Star and Creator of Let’s Paint TV, a huge underground internet sensation with his youtube page having received over 3 million hits. He has performed in Canada, Los Angeles, Australia, Kansas City, New York City and Florida. He has also performed on America’s Got Talent and The Tyra Show. His show is like Bob Ross’ except it involves multi-tasking, making food, playing ping pong, answering viewer calls, and exercising at the same time mostly on a treadmill.

John, a.k.a. Mr. Let’s Paint a.k.a. Mr. Paint, has been doing his show for over ten years now. Originally starting on Public Access in Eagle Rock, CA, he moved his show to his home studio after funding for the public access studio was terminated for lack of interest and abundance of apathy.

Paulette is a singer and a songwriter who sings and writes songs about what it’s like to be alive and moving around in the universe. She has fans on 3 continents, at least that’s what itunes sales of her music indicate.

The purpose of their tour is to bring attention to the lack of creativity in the world and the fear surrounding the lack of creativity in the world.

They are also pro fossil fuel and want to burn up as much as they can while on tour, so they are taking two buses, one bus for john and another bus for Paulette. Each bus will have about 50 seats but only the driver seat will be filled in each one as they cruise down the highway. The Toyota Tercel will be towed behind one of the buses.

They are also pro-meat omnivores who will be promoting human consumption of animals.

Paulette’s Artist’s Statement

2011-09-27T11:22:00.001-07:00

Paulette explores the relationship between life and death and how the two are meaningless without each other. She thinks about them for a long time and wastes her life wondering what it’s for, essentially mimicking death in her confused states of wondering. She strives to confuse her audience with her lack of understanding and paucity of insight, ultimately alienating herself from all people because of her obtuse opaqueness. Her primary inspiration comes from sitting on the toilet, looking down at the floor with all of its hair and dust motes that settle in the corners too far to scoop up while she is sitting there, just out of reach, frustrating her but reminding her of her limitations and what it means to be fully human.

SPAM: This Sub-Saharan African Life

2011-09-13T18:05:00.001-07:00

Dear You,

Again, I've received, non-stop, incessant, never ending, interminable, infinity, ongoing, long time uncountable, forever, many requests for more information about my life, and I love telling these stories about my life because they remind me that I'm alive, and I love being reminded that I'm alive, because it feels good, and that's all I want out of life is to feel good, I'm a complete and utter, total hedonist. If something is not pleasureable, I won't do it, that's why I have such a large family. I love being pregnant.

So I'm going to tell you about what I did at work yesterday. Are you ready? Did I introduce my story well enough for you so that you don't have a heart attack because I shocked you with unexpected content?

These are only rhetorical questions, so please don't raise your hands with answers unless you like to reach for the unattainable.

I rounded the corner and approached the building, the store, the warehouse, the retail place, and in my mind, I thought to myself, "I hate my job" over and over and over and over like white house propaganda in the media echo chamber. "I hate these plants, I hate those plants, I hate this sidewalk, I hate these sliding glass doors, I hate those plants, I hate the fluoroscent lights, I hate the shopping carts, I hate all this candy, I hate halloween, I hate, I hate, I hate", and I walked to my locker, past the schedule where I checked to see that I indeed had not been scheduled the day before even though I could hardly believe I had it, a sunday, off. Normally I work sundays, and it was so freaking nice to have a sunday off because I was able to see and be with my friends, I hugged them and we ate and talked and sat around fascinated by life and our lives in the living world of other lives.

But this was monday, and like I said, I was walking to my locker because I needed to get to it. I'm very goal oriented, ambitious, a real go-getter, and when I make up my mind to do something, you very well better believe that I'm going to do it or die trying, and in this instance, I was dead set on, determined to get to, to arrive at my locker. I walked from the bulletin board with the schedule on it and made it to my locker after going past the storage room with mops, floor buffers and other cleaning supplies. I was so happy to get to my locker that I decided to celebrate. I went around the whole store hugging and kissing random people with a huge contagious smile on my face, and none of them seemed offended or put off. I was so happy that they became happy because I was happy, and we, all of us, were all smiles.

I started to think, "I love work, I love you, and I love you, and I love you too, and you are beautiful, and you are really beautiful, and you have such a lovely smile, and it's so nice to see you smile, and gosh, I didn't know you were capable of smiling, and wow, it's such a pleasure to be around your lovely soul."

and then, the manager, Barack, asked me to sweep the side patio where the plants used to be but where the soil pallets are now kept. a lot of litter had blown in and eddied in a corner and was making the place look shabby, unkempt, so I was assigned to kempt it.

I looked at the unkemptness of the area and really looked hard at it, at all of the detritus, debris, paper, plastic. My initial reaction was one of shock and awe, which then turned to denial, and then anger, and then sadness that there could be such a problem, a catastrophe in anybody's life. Nobody deserves to have litter cluttering up their space. It's horrible, paper and plastic wrappers, but not really, it wasn't so bad after I got over the shock and other stuff I just mentioned.

I developed a strategy for attacking the clutter and presented it in a powerpoint presentation for Barack who liked it, and so we sent it on, up to the store manager for approval which happened almost immediately after we submitted the plan.

So I got two brooms, a dustpan with a handle, and I emptied the garbage cans so that I'd have receptacle space for the clutter, and I then I really had the time of my life. I've never had a better time ever. I didn't realize how much I love sweeping, the motion of pushing the broom forward while moving my body forward in small steps. It's so much like dance, it might as well be a dance, so I started to sing a song to sweep to, and I got so happy and giddy that I moved into a transcendent mind state. I started to scream gutterally, as if the universe was speaking through me to all existence. I couldn't stop screaming, so somebody called an ambulance and the paramedics restrained me, and then they gave me a shot of something, and the next thing I know, I was at home in my bed, warm and cozy with birds chirping outside and a spider outside the window mending its web.

This is the end of the story. I hope you liked it.

Also, "The Cousins Tour 2011" has reached it's $1000.00 goal, so it's being funded. Thank you funders!

It will start Nov 4 at Smokey's Tangle in Oakland, and it will go until Nov 13th up to Washington, the state.

I will keep you posted.

Sincerely,

Paulette

Another Unbelievably Live Paulette Show

2011-09-07T20:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Person,

Some people have been complimenting me about my writing, so, sadly, this encourages me, and you get another e-mail about my life.

I hope you're having a great spring break out at the beach, and that you're getting laid all over the place and that you're having the best time you've ever had in your short, happy life.

Today, I took time off from laying eggs in rotting fruit and vegetables to go to work at the big, retail box-store. I don't really remember being there, and I try to forget being there because it causes me pain, but I remember getting up earlier than usual to go someplace, and the next thing I know, I'm walking towards my little apartment at about 5 p.m., so I'm pretty sure I went to work today.

Again, my showbiz career got a shot in the arm on Friday when I played again at Smokey's Tangle, Oakland's premier artspace where you don't pay department store prices. I was asked by Jess Anthony, the exhibiting artist, to play music, and play music I did, with me, myself and I and me and me and the Fantastic Matt Piucci of boatclub and dream syndicate, I mean Rain Parade fame. Matt helped me sing the liquor store song and the rollerskate song, and it was a musical tour de force. It was really impressive him and me singing together in the art space for over 15 people.

I sold a cd to a girl/woman who was part of the exhibit/show. She had a vending machine façade and sat behind it making postcards for anybody who shelled out $2.00. The "machine" would talk to people, saying things like "Can you recommend a good tax lawyer?" and "It's getting hot in here, I need out" and "I can make you an even better postcard for $3.00," but I wasn't about to be fooled. I could clearly see that she was behind the façade, making fools out of so many hapless, helpless people, so I started screaming, "It's not really a machine, it's just like in the wizard of oz. Don't be fooled you guys. There's a person in there, in the machine, can't you see, why can't you just believe me. I'm not crazy, I'm not stupid, this machine is really a person behind a cloth computer facade, pretending to be a machine."

But nobody would believe me. In fact, they said, "we don't believe you, what's wrong with you, of course it's a machine, don't be silly," and so I gave up defeated and angry.

Here's a photo of me playing while a woman attendee rapturously listens to me play.

Jess's show consisted of maps of the east bay, and attendees were invited to mark places on these maps with pens where things happened to them. For example, one map would have a placard above it reading something like "Where was your soul crushed?" or "Where did you leave your heart?" and then people would mark on the map where these events occurred.

Our fund drive is up to $596.00, so we only need $404.00 to make $1000.00 for the "Cousins Tour", and it looks like the tour is gonna be from Nov 4 to about Nov 15th or 16th, starting in Oakland and probably ending somewhere in Seattle or Vancouver.

Sincerely,

Paulette

photo

2011-09-06T19:09:00.001-07:00

Begging Unattractively, Embarrassingly for Money

2011-08-24T22:14:00.001-07:00

Hi,

As fate would have it, our crusade for tour funding fell on sympathetic ears with the people at Kickstarter, and thusly, therefore, it follows that we have a sponsored webpage wherein we beg charmingly, adorably, happily, mysteriously for money.

Here it, the website and spiel, is.

Love Always,

Paulette

Let's Paint TV, Paulette Pacific Northwest Tour 2011

2011-08-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Person,

My cousin John, Mr. Let's Paint TV, and I are going on a TOUR of Northern California and the Pacific Northwest the end of October, beginning of November, and in order to fund it, the tour, we made a fundraiser video wherein we ask for money to pay for tour expenses, gas, lodging, and food.

It's part of our application for Kickstarter, the arts funding website, and we're currently waiting to see if they'll give our project the nod of substantiality, the testament to our credibility, something like that.

Our goal is $1000.00.

The plan is to play the SF Bay area, Arcata/Eureka, Portland, Seattle, and points in between.

If anybody has helpful venue info or knows of somebody who'd like to host a performance, This info is welcomed.

We are traveling without the treadmill, so if someone needs to have John on the treadmill, it's BHOT, Bring His (Own) Treadmill. Otherwise, John's exercise activity while painting and multi-tasking will be something other than treadmilling.

Sincerely,

Paulette

The Book Zoo Show: Paulette the Walking Carnival

2011-08-03T11:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Reader,

After last friday's show, I've received request after request after request to write about it in a long, drawn-out, boring way with too much detail, meanderingly, and unintelligibly, and as always, I'm more than happy to oblige you, my faithful, ardent, really fanatical, crazy, insane, derelict, dreggy, debauched, nuisancy, recidivistic fans.

so friday was a work day, and I love my job, so I had trouble thinking about my show that night because I was so excited to round up shopping carts and walk for miles on end doing so. I woke up excited to go to work, and almost forgot to eat breakfast or get dressed I was so excited to get to work.

I don't remember exactly what I ate for breakfast, but it was either an egg sandwiched between two bagel slices with tomato, pepper, tapatio, and tlc, or it was oatmeal with cinnamon and raisins and milk. All my breakfasts and days blend together, so let's just say it was the oatmeal.

I checked my mail, my e-mail that is, after turning on my computer and waiting for 3 to 4 hours while my computer booted up. My computer tends to run slowly, and it really has a hard time with this microsoft livemail program. I looked for alternatives to this program, but didn't find anything that really made my nipples harden. I went to cnet downloads and read about the different e-mail consolidation products, and I looked at outlook, and well, I forgot to mention that I have 2 different e-mails the program has to juggle, and my computer isn't the newest as I'm still running windows '95 with a pentium 1 processor and you have to hand crank a dynamo on the side to give it a power boost when big demands are placed on RAM.

I like to imagine getting e-mails from people telling me that they have a lot of money and want to pay me to use my music in their film, or that they are a band with money and would like me to tour with them, opening shows, but mostly, I get e-mails from friends and reminders of bills.

So I checked my e-mail, ran out the door, walked to work, walked around at work getting shopping carts, moving plants around, suffering abuse from rude customers, watering plants, and doing other fascinating stuff, and then work ended, and I was really sad to have to leave, and I broke down and cried, saying to the manager, "Please, can I just stay another shift? Please!" with my nose running and my face puffy like I was crying. And one of my coworkers, Francine, came over and put her arm over my shoulders, gripping me in a lovehold, saying to me in a quiet, understanding tone, "God loves you Paulette, and he wants you to be happy. That's why you're on the schedule tomorrow."

"So I can come back tomorrow?"

"That's right, you can come back tomorrow."

"And I can stay all day?"

"A full eight hours minus one because of budget constraints."

And of course, I looked up with a smile amidst the tears streaming down my face and the sucking sound of me slurping my running nose back into my sinuses.

"There's a smile. I saw that. Look who's happy now. Huh?!"

I hid my face and coyly smiled, relieved and a lot less sad than I'd been, faced with leaving to go home.

"Are you gonna be ok now?" Francine asked.

"yeeaah" I admitted, blowing my nose into my sleeve and then wiping it off with a tissue another one of my coworkers handed me.

"Except, is god really a man?"

and then I went and played the show, and everybody had the times of their lives. it was really fun. I had fun, others had fun. it was a fun place to be because we were all having fun.

Here's a clip from it. You shoulda been there. It was your moral obligation to be there, and now the irs is going to audit you, and the government is going to send you a receipt for the specific bullets you paid for, and they will include a list of the people those specific bullets went into.

Love Always,

Paulette

Paulette Actually Plays Live in Public

2011-07-22T10:46:00.001-07:00

Hi,

How are you?

HOw are you?

My show business career really started to take off again yesterday as I was asked to play at Book Zoo on Piedmont Ave in Oakland, CA, July 29, Friday at 9:00 p.m. As usual, I'll take requests if I can actually play them on guitar and even if I can't actually play them on guitar.

Address

Book Zoo
14 Glen Avenue
Oakland, California 94611

Phone
510.654.2665

Some of you like to read what I write, and this makes me feel like writing, and here's an UNEDITED excerpt from my attempt to write about my recession, what's-my-next-step job.

a lot of people ask me how I've developed my mental acuity to such a high degree, and I have to say, it comes out of getting shopping carts all fucking day, walking around until my legs are really tired and I have trouble moving them. By focusing my mind only on the carts, it, my mind, becomes as sharp as a tack, like a meditative buddhist monk's mind if he hasn't fallen asleep in the lotus position. I play chess sometimes with my monk friends and we usually have to stop because we don't know enough about the rules to finish a game. But the conversations we have about what we think the rules might be if we were motivated enough to figure them out, these conversations are really complicated, and if I hadn't been training my mind while hunting carts, there's no way I could hold my own with the monks the way I can now, if I hadn't spent countless hours collecting the carts.

I just kept walking and walking and walking and walking for 6 fucking hours. "hey, look, there's a fucking cart" I'd say to myself, and I'd walk up to it and touch the handle and instantly have an orgasm, and I couldn't help myself, it excited me so. "hey, there's another one," I'd say, and I'd walk up to it and touch the handle and immediately have an orgasm so strong, that I had to scream and shudder as though I'd had a really strong orgasm.

This just goes on and on, so I'm just a mess by the time the day's over. my pants are just soaked, and I'm flushed as fuck, and it's just an amazing time I've had. I fee like I've lived 20 years in just one day.

there are a lot of idioms derived from collecting carts. there just are. carts are ripe for idioms. sheep dogs were originally called cart dogs because they were used to collect shopping carts, but the dogs became too expensive after they unionized and demanded decent, inflation proof wages, and the supermarkets started using people because they were cheap and plentiful and could be persuaded that they were lucky to have such interesting work. Actually the dogs got bored with it and lost interest and didn't really perform so well with carts, so they moved on to sheep, but people didn't seem to mind, and in fact, quite liked to do the work the dogs didn't like to do. it was a win – win game/situtation.

Have a lovely day,

Paulette

SPAM: Rate the Fu##ing Record

2011-06-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

It's time for everybody's favorite game, Rate the Fu##ing Record.

The song is a fancy schmancy studio recording of the timeless classic, "Jenn I love you and you love to rollerskate."

Again, this is from the recording sessions with Stephan Junca on Drums and James Boblak on Engineering. In case you're new to the business of music and the making of tons of money in it, "sessions" are these things that occur when people get together to record a "project". It's a lot like going to counseling sessions except it's probably cheaper by the hour at least on the scale that we did it.

After it starts raining money, the album the song will be on will be called, "Stephan and Paulette; Loved by Ones".

In other news, Cousin John, Mr. Let's Paint TV, is in town, and we recorded some more important music which will be part of something really important.

Here's a video for the song we did, Isopropyl Alcohol. It's about isopropyl alcohol. Careful, there's saliva involved. DO NOT watch this video if you don't want to see saliva. If you are repulsed by saliva, DO NOT click on the link.

Love Always,

Paulette

Underemployed Bowls are Devastated

2011-06-18T10:35:00.001-07:00

Oakland, CA

I interviewed over 10 underemployed bowls from all over oakland and they all said that they were devastated. Here is the transcript from the interview.

P: How do you feel about being underemployed bowls?

BOWLS 1-10: We're Devastated.

P: All of you?

BOWLS 1-9: Yes

BOWL 10: I sometimes like to dream of being a bird flying high above houses and water, landing and hopping around, foraging for food.

P: But you're devastated otherwise.

BOWL 10: Yes.

SPAM: It's sunny and wram tadoy

2011-06-15T14:04:00.001-07:00

Hi Person,

Most all of you diehard fans on the mailing list have been asking, pleading, begging, u, u,k, us, suffering me to send more crap out, so that's what I'm doing write now.

if you haven't already seen it, here's my high budget video for the Bike Riding in a Dress song on which Stephan Junca played drums. Stephan is a drummer who plays drums, and he played drums on this song with his feet and hands and sticks. His nickname amongst all of his friends, of which I count myself one, is "Bam Bam" after the cute little bedrock baby in the honeymooners, the first real TV sitcom. Stephan played alongside Jackie Gleason in this role and later went on to play the role of "Bandit" in the movie "Smokey in the Bandit".

The video was filmed on location in the South of France, the Cote d'azur, with government money embezzled from when I was class treasurer at the learning annex and the art academy. you may notice some of the famous sites we visited, but there's a chance you might not notice them if you're not paying attention, or you don't watch it, the video.

we all got really sunburnt, but it gave us a chance to talk to people about all the money we spent.

"you're really sunburnt, you must have been picking cotton or grapes in the san joaquin valley?!"

"no, we were in the south of france, on location, shooting a glamoourous music video with movie stars, envious person"

"that must've cost a lot of money"

"yes, it did, it cost a lot of money"

"wow, that's impressive, and to think, if you didn't have a sunburn, I would never have known"

I also made a song about people who's songs play in the superdupermarket when you're shopping.

it's called The Super Dupermarket Song.

Love Always,

Paulette

SPAM: Paulette in the Studio

2011-05-26T19:42:00.001-07:00

Hi,

Here's a song I recorded in a real live studio and then at home.

Stephan Junca is the drummer extraordinaire. I did the other stuff.

see if you can guess which parts I recorded at home.

http://paulettenichols.bandcamp.com/track/bike-riding-in-a-dress-mix-3

Love Paulette

SPAM: Marketing Focus Group 1

2011-05-18T17:33:00.001-07:00

Hi,

You've been selected to be a focus group for a new series of Bank of America ads.

Please answer the following questions about the video link.

"Would you rather be a bird or a flying superhero?"

"What is your favorite kind of flower?"

Paulette

SPAM: The Truth Behind The Mask

2011-05-03T08:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Devoutly Obsessive Fan of My Music,

I played at the Eagle Tavern in San Francisco, and my friends came to see me, but not all of my friends came, about 10 of them if you count bandmates and significant others of bandmates. But hey, new fans, Kale and Jess, came out to listen, driving for close to an hour round trip, so let's all give them a warm welcome into our family of devoutly obsessive Paulette fans. Hooray.

On the way to the show, a woman in a car on the freeway was about to hit my car while merging in front of me into my lane, so I honked to prevent an accident. This honking hurt her feelings so she merged behind me and was nice enough to keep her high beams on while tailgating and honking at me. It was fun. I had fun.

It was fun, I had fun even though we had some musical problems which caused high drama and shouting matches between bandmates. The band has scheduled a meditation retreat in India to heal from the deep emotional trauma of musical problems. We all love Indian food and want to meet the people who answer our computer support questions as well.

We played all the songs I promised we'd play, some better than others. it was fun. I had fun. I earned $20.00 so if anybody needs help paying for healthcare, or for your mortgage, please contact me right away, or better yet, just send me your bills.

I know you have a really busy life which is finite in length, so I'm keeping this short and to the obtuse point.

Here's some new music. It's called "To The Store," and it's about going to the store.

Here's the video from the Eagle Tavern shot by Ms. Emily Wick. Jenn I love you and you love to rollerskate.

Love Always,

Paulette

My Stupid Purchase

2011-04-19T08:09:00.001-07:00

to make a short story long.

i went to the worker's comp doctor for my back. it turns out i have a back, a.k.a. spine, and apparently lifting heavy objects in certain ways can strain it.

i walked into the office because it's set up for walk-ins, no appointment necessary.

"hi"

"how are you"

"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"

"I'm fine too thanks, how are you?"

"I'm fine, how are you?"

"good, thanks, you?"

"fantastic, thanks, yourself?"

"oh marvelously wonderful"

there was a sign with waiting times for various services and according to the sign, mine was only 75 minutes.

"so it's a 75 minute wait?"

"it'll be less than an hour."

"ok."

so i went outside to stretch my legs and get some tea, but i recalled the last time i looked for tea in the neighborhood when i was there for a different injury, shoulder ache/pain and elbow pain. I recalled that the closest place to get tea was lame and long walk from where i was.

so i figured i'd walk towards the nearby blue note coffee, the coffee company founded by all the famous jazzers on the blue note label, miles davis, miles davis, julian "cannonball" adderly, and a lot of other famous jazzers.

on the way, i walked through the wholesale produce market and saw all of the wholesale produce. There was a lot of it, and saw the workers lifting the boxes of produce, and i could relate because i lift shit at my job too, in fact, that's why i was there, in their neighborhood. just by looking at me, all the wholesale produce workers/lifters knew that my back was injured, and many of them had had the same injury so they spontaneously all screamed. "take care of your fucking back", except it was in spanish and chinese and english, so the spanish part was "cuidate con su espalda."

"thank you, you guys are all doing a fantastic job, and i know you're paid handsomely for it and that you don't squander your money on alcohol, illegal drugs or prostitutes, so kudos to you."

"so marijuana is ok?"

"yes, marijuana is ok."

they all breathed a sigh of relief.

right near the wholesale produce market was blue note coffee.

i got in line which was out the door of the small place, and i began to wait and wait, and wait, and wait, and then i started to think.

this whole fucking thing is a meditation, being still in line, listening to the crappy music of the barristas, being still in line, smelling the coffee, wondering if i have any cash.

I asked the barrista guy, some 20 something bohemian wearing a vest, "do you take debit"

"uh"

"do you take credit"

"we take credit, sometimes we have problems with debit."

and then i returned to my acute observations.

it's daytime, look at the light. it's cloudy today. they're all grey. my spine hurts waiting in this line. these people are sure waiting

ONe guy took the orders, the other poured the water into the drip filters. about half an hour later when my mind was fully at peace after thinking about coffee in the coffee line, it was my turn to order, and i knew this because the barrista guy looked at me with an inquisitive look.

"I'd lilke a small coffee...please, please, if it's not too much trouble."

"why certainly"

and then the other guys started pouring the water into the drip filter in a circular motion, as stated by the barrista's manual which says, "pour the water into the filter in a circular motion so that the beans don't wash up on the sides of it, depriving the customer of our mouth watering flavor."

5 minutes later, my coffee was ready.

"that's $2.75"

"can i finance it"

"we don't offer credit, what about getting a job."

"I have a job."

"maybe you could get a credit card."

"I already have debt. I don't want any more."

"sounds like you need to rethink your spending habits."

"i could give you $1.75 for it."

"no."

i stood there, stunned, not really caring about getting coffee to drink because it upsets my stomach anyhow, and i probably could have got by with just some tiny sample size like they give you at the local chain boutique market. i probably should have bummed some off of the people who pour a little out to make room for milk or cream, but i know this bumming would offend people who don't want riff-raff in their high end coffee shop.

"could you pour half out and sell it to me for $1.45?"

"no."

i handed the guy my card and like a machine, he "swiped" it, as they say in the business, which is really apropos because charging that much is essentially the same as stealing or swiping money from people.

my back started feeling much better, i forgot about it as my wallet began to hurt, bleeding, screaming after having it's innards ripped out without ceremony.

and that's it. i spent $2.75 on a fucking cup of coffee, and i didn't even drink the whole thing.

i walked back to the doctor's office. they called me, i walked into the small room with the door. the doctor stepped in.

"how are you?"

"i think something's wrong with me."

she looked at me with her eyes, waiting.

"i just spent $2.75 on a coffee."

she screamed in a really gutteral way, from deep down, from the center of her being, she brought her hands to face which had gone totally white and bloodless, and she covered her eyes with her hands.

Paulette Plays the Eagle Tavern 4/28/11

2011-04-07T18:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Valuable Member of Society Whose Importance is Greater Than the Amount of Money You Have,

As I said in the subject line, “I’m playing at the Eagle Tavern in San Francisco, 4/28/11. That’s a thursday. We tried to play saturday because that’s “Leather/Fetish Gear” night, but thursday will still be fun.

It will be loud, and it will also be loud because I will be playing with a drummer and there will be a PA, and the instruments will be electric and amplified through amplifiers and distorted with distortion pedals on distorted bikes.

This is the set list.

Bike Riding in a Dress
Transgendered
Jenn I love you and you love to rollerskate
Potpourri
Shut the fuck up
and Maybe the Bookstore song or Liquor Store

In other words, it will be fun.

I’ll be ably backed by the greatest dancing rhythm section ever formed

Stephan Junca – Drums, singing, Dancing
Matt Piucci - Guitar, keys,singing, Dancing
Mark Hanley- Bass, keys, singing, dancing
John Thoman- Guitar, Singing, dancing

this is the address.

398 12th St.
San Francisco, CA 94103

Come on out and get in touch with your inner homosexual!!

See you there.

Thank you in advance for coming.

In other news, I posted another clip from the Historical CD release party held way back in March.

It’s the song, “I shot the neighbor’s dog”, from the cd, The New Norte Americana, which I still have copies of if you want to pay $10 plus shipping for it.

Love Always,

Paulette

Fantastic Live CD Party Footage

2011-03-09T13:50:00.001-08:00

Here’s me and Erik playing the song, “Drinkin’ a Lot.” Notice the bottle sounds carefully placed at the beginning of it. we rehearsed that for over an hour.

CD Show Aftermath

2011-03-07T11:48:00.001-08:00

Dear Fan,

I had the cd release party, and so now all of my cd's are released. I released them out into the street, and they just started running up and down the street and out of sight like a setting sun. it was dramatic, like a play or a movie or a story about cd's running up and down a street and out of sight.

BAck to reality.

The winner of the "Guess When the CD Release Party is gonna be" didn't show up to claim her cd, so we'll have to make other arrangements.

There were about 30 people who attended, maybe less, I didn't count them, the general feel of the show was good, people didn't throw anything at me.

Everybody was so intoxicated and drugged up that we all needed blood transfusions, so we called the portable blood bank, Porta-blood, and set up some gurneys, and we all got transfusions, paid for by federal tax dollars out of a special fund, The Rock and Roll, Drugged-Out, Blood Transfusion Myth Fund. (I apologize for stringing along nouns)

We all felt better and carried on with the merrymaking. It was a lot of fun.

Sonya and Erik played and sang songs, and Sonya sang one called "gravenstein" an americana song because my album was an attempt to create fake americana. her song was lovely. Erik sang a song called "everything needs fixin'" about the concept, "it's already broken" from buddhist philosophy I believe. They were lovely and both wore their paulette "Chequessett" shirts, so I broke down in tears and sobbed and couldn't talk for over an hour. it was so cleansing and purifying and all that to cry for that long. I once watched a karate film where a guys father was killed or his brother or his sister or his dog, and his mother cried so much that she went blind. I only lost a little eyesight, but I'll get my eyes checked by a mechanic. They also both wore Cowboy boots. I wore clogs.

I played every single song from my new album, and nobody fell asleep or died while they were there listening, so I chalk that up as a total success, a humdinger of a show. it took about an hour to play all the songs. some we played twice because they were short and people weren't listening because they were texting their friends or talking loudly on their cell phones to their partners shopping at the grocery store for milk.

"no, get the milk that expires on the 17th, I love the 17th. get that one."

"shutup, this is a fucking concert"

"welcome to the 21st century"

and then I grabbed the cell phone and realized it was all just a horrible nightmare.

robert brought me a bouquet of plants he found on the way to the show, so that went into a vase immediately. Julie had her foot stepped on by a horse but sent a lovely piece of loveliness via her messenger service. All the super fantastic people were there. everybody who came was the most beautiful person ever in the history of life on the planet.

Brian and emily were nice enough to let me have the show at smokey's tangle. brian set up the space, moving chairs into lines, making a flyer, decorating the window, posting posts on postbook, telling friends who told two friends and so on and so on and so on.

robert, jonathan, marcos and joel were on the publicity crew, so that was a shocker since I didn't fully know whether joel's publicity idea would fully come to fruition, but it was a lovely surprise which showed up with the help of cellotape. super yay!!!

Since it was a hootenany after I played, boatclub, the world famous rock band based ever so humbly in oakland, set up shop and rocked the house. it was matt and mark and john and stephan and me and erik, and sonya all rocking out like a bunch of rock and rollers.

Some people who wanted to play didn't get a chance, but I spoke with them afterwards and they said that I could shove it and they'd never speak to me again unless I paid them a lot, A LOT, of money. so I'm making payments to them

I invited Nadja Salerno Sonnenberg and Martha Argerich and Nathan Milstein, but their managers said that they had to watch tv that night.

so if you know anybody who wants to hear me and erik play the album again, just send $700.00 and airfare to me, and We'll be happy to make it happen again.

Otherwise, I'll be riding my bike up and down the hill.

Love,

Paulette

Take Piano Lessons

2011-03-02T10:50:00.001-08:00

I’m offering piano lessons. e-mail me at paulettelessons aatt gee mail dot com.

Spam: Paulette on Radio VAlencia

2011-02-22T23:47:00.000-08:00

hi Beautiful Human Being,

How's your February going?

Really?!!!

Well....

I'm on RADIO VALENCIA tomorrow Feb 23rd at 10 a.m.

I'll be on DJ Bunnywhiskers' show, playing the songs from my latest cd, plugging my cd release party on March 5th at SMokey's Tangle.

http://radiovalencia.fm/

Love,

Paulette

Spam: The Winner of the "Guess what date the party will be rescheduled to."

2011-02-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Beautiful Person,

As you are all well aware of, the time to reveal the winner of the "CD Release Party Rescheduling Game" is nigh. it's now, it's near, it's hear, here, heeer. Here it is.

The person to guess the closest to mar 5th, 2011 was Mrs. Pilar C. of lovely Richmond, CA who guessed Jan 15, 2011.

Pilar will receive a beautifully autographed copy of "The New Norte Americana" cd which she can love and cherish for the rest of her fantastically lucky life.

Let's give a big round of Applause for Mrs. Pilar C. of Richmond, CA.

here are are the other guesses.

(the table didn’t post. there were about 7 guesses, most of them guessed far too soonly)

For those of you who lost pathetically and embarrassingly, you can always send me $10 and buy one while I still have a few left.

Sincerely,

Paulette

Paulette Throws an Album Release Party March 5

2011-02-03T09:20:00.001-08:00

Contact: Paulette Nichols

e-mail: paulette@pauletteinternational.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

PAULETTE THROWS A CD RELEASE PARTY ON MARCH 5

Paulette, the international music star based in Oakland, California, is having her cd release party at Smokey’s Tangle, a small, quaint, adorable, lovely, fantastic, warm, caring, nurturing, friendly, amicable, amiable, outgoing, extroverted, introverted, wooden venue in the Temescal “district” of the beautiful city of Oakland, CA.

She will play her whole album live with the support of Erik Pearson on Banjo and Sonya Hunter who will sing like a bird and charm the fuck out of everybody who is alive.

Numerous special guests are expected to make appearances, and it is rumored that members of the super famous band, boatclub, which is based ever so humbly in the great city that is Oakland, will appear.

Smokey’s Tangle is one of the world’s premier art galleries/performance spaces/lecture halls, constantly producing fantastic, engaging, eyes-popping-out, wonderful, fascinating, mind blowing art and photos that come from the collective mind of Smokey’s Tangle and its army of super duper top notch artists who have worked hard to raise themselves far above the bottom notch.

Paulette’s new album has been officially reviewed once, by a music journalist who writes for “The Noise” in Boston, and he seems to have liked it, loosely comparing Paulette to the Shaggs and Jonathan Richman and some other musicians. Belinda from WMFO’s hit show, Bubbles in the Think Tank, picked it for her top 10 releases of 2010, saying, “How did we ever live without Paulette?”

Paulette’s song “92 Toyota Tercel” was played nationwide on NPR’s “Car Talk” on the same show that featured a song written by Neil Young about a car. Her songs about Sarah palin and John McCain were featured on The East Bay Express’s website and were lavishly praised by the left wing journalists there. She has numerous times had songs featured on KALX’s show, “The Next Big Thing.” She recently recorded an album, “Going Nowhere But Came Back,” with John Kilduff a.k.a. Mr. Let’s Paint, of the Smash hit internet show “Let’s Paint TV,” and she has sold over $100.00 worth of her very own merchandise over the course of her ever so short life.

My Life

2011-01-25T10:41:00.001-08:00

I'm still living in Rockridge. I lived in Rockridge yesterday, and I'm still living here today. It was a sunny day today here in Rockridge, the place where I live. It was really sunny, so I got on my bicycle and rode to the post office in Temescal and to the library in Elmwood to do my really important errands. It was the most fascinating adventure. Before I embarked on it, I dropped by Jarny's salon and she gave me $20 to get some stamps for her, so I took the money and put it in my wallet for safekeeping.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to the post office and the library"

"The post office?"

"Yes, the post office."

"Really, the post office?!"

"Yes, the post office"

"Wow, that's fantastic, can you pick up some stamps for me" she said, handing me a $20.

"Of course, I'd love to pick up some stamps for you, the forever stamps?"

"Yes, the forever stamps, how much are they?"

"They're $8.80 for 20 of them, so you can get 2 packs"

"Oh great, thank you, that's great"

"Yes, it is great! I agree"

"This is really great!"

"It sure is great, isn't it!?"

"Oh, yes, it's really great!"

And so, I rolled my bike out the door and rode down the sidewalk, taking great pains to not run over this woman's dog on the sidewalk, and then, I waited for the light to change, and I turned right down College and then made a quick left on some street. I went left and then left again, and then I turned right, pedaling by houses and cars and trees and down the sunny street. It was really sunny, but I didn't have my sunglasses because they were in my car where I'd left them after using them on my big drive to Los Angeles.

And then, I slowed down at the stop sign to make sure I wouldn't get run over, but there were no cars, so I kept rolling, right on through the intersection, straight down Cavour I believe the street is. But don't quote me because I, well, I'm pretty sure it's Cavour, so I kept going straight and then I turned left, running over a piece of a branch which gave a bump to my ride, waking me up a bit.

So I woke up and there I was, riding my bike to the post office to mail a score from a song I wrote called "Painting Faggot" to a guy up in northern California, kind of near the Oregon border where the Oregonians live. So I turned right onto 51^st and then left at the firehouse, and then right on the street the bank is on, and then right onto Telegraph, and then I crossed the street into the shopping center where the post office is. I locked up my bike, wondering if I should take the front wheel off and lock it to the back, but I only locked up the back wheel. I took off my headlight and put it in my backpack, keeping my helmet on because it felt nice on my head.

I waited in line and listened to a woman at the counter.

"I keep getting this guy's mail, can't you stop from sending me this crap"

"We send only to the address, we don't look at the name"

"They told me to talk to you, can't you stop sending me this"

"We send only to the address, we don't look at the name."

"Why can't you stop sending me all this crap"

"We only look at the address, we don't look at the name."

"They told me to go to the post office and talk to you. Are you giving away my information?"

"No"

"Then how did they get my po box number?"

"We don't give out any of your information"

"Then how did they get my po box number?"

"Did you call them"

"They said they got it from you and to talk to you."

"No, we don't give out any of your information."

And so another mail person came back and gave the woman a form to send to the postal inspector.

And then my turn came and the counter woman said,

"Hi, how are you?"

"Fine thanks, how are you?"

"Is this flammable, explosive, dangerous, deadly?"

"No"

"How would you like to send it"

"The cheapest way"

"Would you like to send it priority, 1^st class, 2^nd class, super fantastically?"

"The cheapest way."

"Would you like insu"

"The cheapest way"

"rance, certified, delivery confirmation."

"The cheapest way."

"Would you like any boxes, postage"

"Could I get two packets of forever stamps"

"Yes, how many would you like?"

"Two."

And I finished my transaction, and the postage on my music was about a dollar because it wasn't anything unusually shaped, and I unlocked my bike and rode to the library and returned the Burt Bacharach music book, the Ron Carter Bassline book, and the Rogers and Hammerstein songbook into the return box one at a time, sideways because they were big books.

I rode back to Jarny at her salon, but she was busy with a customer, so I left the stamps and change on her desk and rode home as fast as I could so that I could write this fascinating story.

SPAM: Sprinkles the Painting Elephant

2011-01-06T22:07:00.001-08:00

Dear Lovely Listener Person,

I want to share with you another one of the highlights of my little scrap of an existence.

My cousin John, the painter, invited sprinkles the painting elephant onto his show, and I made the theme music for it.

here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2rdFLADbpE

if you don't like it, I'm tempted to say you might as well ask me to remove you from this mailing list.

anyhow, I so fu##ing glad the holidays are over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love out of my humble heart,

Paulette

tikka massala on haight st.

2010-12-30T04:22:00.001-08:00

Dear Hardcore Music Devotee,

I'm playing here

tikka masala indian restaurant

1668 Haight St.

San Francisco, CA 94117

on NYE.

It will be low key.

I don't know what time I'll be on. probably about 9 or 10 or maybe even later, it's hard to tell since I don't know when the entertainment starting time is or exactly how many acts there will be.

Love to You,

Paulette

SPAM: I am a Painting Faggot

2010-12-16T18:00:00.001-08:00

Dear listener,

this is for my cousin. one of his webcam viewers was painting on his own webcam and somebody typed, "oh, you're one of those painting faggots."

He was also thinking of making "Painting FAggot" t-shirts to sell.

sing along if you like to be creative and like to sing and don't mind telling people that they have their heads up their arses.

http://www.pauletteinternational.com/music/paintingfaggotmaster.mp3

I'm so glad x-mas is over.

Happy New year!!! I hope you have a lovely new year.

Love Always,

Paulette

hi

2010-12-04T11:42:00.001-08:00

hi you guys,

I thought we had a great talk last night about adult diapers and walkers. Thanks.

Here are too many songs about xmas.

here's the I hate xmas tree one.

http://www.pauletteinternational.com/music/xmastrees.mp3

the lyrics need changing because I don't think they have pesticides on them because they're not food.

I worked on xmas last year and wrote this sad/angry song about it.

http://www.pauletteinternational.com/music/workingonxmas2.mp3

And then there's the old favorite, classic, historical song I didn't write.

http://www.pauletteinternational.com/music/lulululay.mp3

Love,

Paulette

Radio Valencia Podcast Links

2010-11-04T10:26:00.001-07:00

Hi Intensely Beautiful Person,

here's the podcast links from yesterday's show.

http://podcasts.radiovalencia.fm/bunnywhiskers/bunnywhiskers.2010-11-03.1000.mp3

http://podcasts.radiovalencia.fm/bunnywhiskers/bunnywhiskers.2010-11-03.1100.mp3

Paulette

Paulette Plays on Radio Valencia wed nov 3

2010-11-01T19:58:00.001-07:00

Dear Music Fanatic,

I'm playing on the "radio" wednesday, nov 3, 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.

I'll be playing live and playing dead, recorded, for two whole hours. it'll be online for sure, but I'm not sure the transmitter is set up. it's a pirate radio station, so I'll be consorting with pirates, hooray!

Here's the link to the show.

Radio Valencia

In other news, I'm actually recording some of my songs in a studio for added wonderfulness.

The record release party still hasn't landed on a date.

Forever yours,

Paulette

SPAM: WTF?

2010-10-06T20:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Humungous Fan,

To cut to the chase, I made burritos today, although I ran out of Tapatio sauce, so I had to use some inferior sauce to spice them up. you should have been there, it was a lot of fun.

Moving right along.

If you didn't already know, sadly, I'm on facebook, PAULETTE ON FACEBOOK

So if you want to get my new music as I make it, I usually post links to it there, but it's always on the pauletteinternational.com website.

In other news, I've been writing more songs, hoping that one or two might be good.

According to Dr. Foxmeat, one of my superfans from my webcasts, Mick Mucus, a DJ on KDVS in Davis, CA, played "Worst Song Ever" from The New Norte Americana, and about half of the listening audience died from injuries sustained while listening to the song. My attorney, Andrew Shirvell, says that the lyrics of the song function as a disclaimer and release me from responsibility for any devastation and personal loss that the song may create. So I got that going for me.

I still don't know exactly when the CD release party for The New Norte Americana will be, but the venue is scheduled to be cleaned out and functioning in a month or two. You might ask, "Why not have it somewhere else?", and I might answer, "I don't know... because it's a fun, neighborhood, east bay venue, and at the moment, I suck at booking."

In still other news, my cousin, Mr. Let's Paint, and I did a short webcast show yesterday from the Paulette International Studios, and THIS excerpt was from it. The excerpt features Mr. Let's Paint describing his fun, river canoeing adventure gone wrong, kind of exactly like in the movie, Deliverance. I play guitar and ask questions.

At one point in the show, we had over 6 people watching and having the times of their lives. They just couldn't stop smiling. It was that much fun. When it was all over, their faces hurt from smiling.

I wish I had something really fascinating to tell you, but I think that about wraps it up.

Fascinatingly Yours,

Paulette

SPAMINATION: Slightly used pharmaceuticals priced to go

2010-08-24T22:02:00.001-07:00

Dear Super Wunnerful Person,

Hi.

I'm kind of over the novelty of it, but you might not be since you don't know what I'm talking about, and what I'm talking about is this review that my little, teensy-weensy, minute, super small cd album got from this guy in Rhode Island. I sent him my cd, and he wrote about it.

See?! Look.

Advance Review intended for the Noise Sept 2010 (which will be published instead in Lemon Basket)

PAULETTE [no label]
The New Norte Americana 31 songs
Dear Paulette: You may not be the finest musician in the world, but your gem-like deadpan song fragments (e.g., "Hank Williams Was Gay") are a fresh departure. Listen, I've heard plenty of Americana that is just the same old long-winded crap: fingerpicking quasi-hoedown-style yee-haw-too-long-after-the-fact that makes me want to stay in bed for sixteen hours eating pecan-flavored wheat thins, getting up only sporadically to serially demolish discretely colored segments from a carton of Friendly's Jubilee Roll flavored ice cream (Note: perhaps your upstate New York songwriting partner Mary Liebau can explain to you the hideous phenomenon known as a "Jubilee Roll"). Look, Paulette, here's something that's been bothering me for a long time: why do so-called serious artists have to go about their sordid business with such a sour expression on their gloomy faces? Do they really believe that the vague, questing, earnest artworks forged from the sweat of their unmanicured brows are going to make one lick of difference in this crazy world? Call me a sarcastic nihilist, but I like bands like Ed's Redeeming Qualities and the Holy Modal Rounders and Jonathan Richman and even the Shaggs because they...Get It. They throw the half-cooked spaghetti of so-called "art" at the wall of unpopular culture just to see what sticks. "Life is short so start now." Indeed. Truer words were never spoken. Sincerely.... (Francis DiMenno)

It, the review, is prominently hidden away on the web right here.

also.

If you haven't guessed which day you think the cd release party will be on, I will give you until midnight 8/25/10 to send me your guess. And remember, the contest winner will receive a copy of the exact same cd featured in the above review. WOW! We already have five guessers' guesses, so it'll be fascinating to see how this whole thing turns out!

My latest swimming song

Yours,

Paulette

SPAM: CD release party GAME

2010-08-16T20:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Eager, Patient Human Being who likes music,

I know you're enormously upset about my cd release party postponement, and I feel horrible about it too, but you must not dismay, you must not. You must think about how you still have it to look forward to, how it's coming 'round the mountain, a mountain whose size we can't quite gauge yet.

Right now, as I write this thrilling missive, we, some other people and I, are waiting for renovators, people who renovate, to renovate a flat so that the event space can stop being used as a storage space, a junk holder. It's important that we use this particular event space because of its mojo, because of its commanding view of Telegraph Avenue in Oakland.

At this point in the game, I think we should play an amazingly fun and entertaining little game called, "Guess When The CD release Party will be." You all get one guess as to when the party will be, and whoever guesses correctly or the closest will get a free, autographed copy of my "New Norte Americana" CD. Ties will be decided by a tie deciding game or credit scores.

If you guess "never" and then kill me, you will automatically be disqualified and the prize will go to whoever guesses closest to the median of all guesses, or there will be a dutch auction.

But try to be patient because when it happens, the party, it'll be so memorable and important in your mind that you'll feel like you were at a memorable and important event in your life.

In other news, I've been making piano songs for my new album tentatively titled, "Piano Songs."

Here is one.

I Like Coffee a Lot

There are more songs like this sloppily arranged on my music page.

Don't eat too much.

Paulette

SPAM: Total Success

2010-08-01T11:31:00.001-07:00

Dear viewers,

I know you've been with me through the horrible, painful, unbearable, torturous, tedious, inhumane, ridiculously bad, infinitely miserable, problematically problematic, and hellishly excruciating times, so I thought I'd share with you my fantastically wonderful success.

drum roll.

This song was played on WMFO in Medford, MA by Ms. Belinda Rawlins on her show, Bubbles in the Think Tank on July 31, 2010 at around 11:00 p.m. EST.

JOEY SPAMPINATO

And, on a previous show, she actually played this song,

youtube link Where's My Horse

All this airplay makes me feel like there might be a place for me in the universe.

I planned the CD release party for "The New Norte Americana" but we now have to reschedule because of complications, and so I'm waiting to know when my favorite venue will be available.

buy the cd. It's still $10.00

Love Always,

Paulette

my shoe is untied

2010-07-19T23:07:00.001-07:00

I will be tying my shoe in the near future because it is untied.

For Immediate Release: Americana Doesn't Have to be Boring

2010-06-29T19:24:00.001-07:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Paulette Nichols

Tel: 911

e-mail: paulette at pauletteinternational.com

AMERICANA DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BORING

International Music Star, Paulette, introduces her new album, The New Norte Americana, to the universe and everybody in it. The new album is the best music ever produced by people since J.S. Bach. It is so moving and sincere that it will move all listeners emotionally in their hearts and souls, viscerally.

Paulette lives in Oakland and will be touring nationally to support the album. The tour will go from Oakland to San Francisco over the span of a month, and she will play over 1 show.

The album is Folky Americana with a touch of Classicism, Romanticism and Impressionism. It's called "The New Norte Americana" because the music is the new norte americana.

Americana is the music of America, and Paulette is American and plays American music that sounds new and old at the same time.

She wrote most of the songs by herself, but a few of them she wrote with her old writing buddy, Mary Liebau, who raises sheep in up-state New York.

The album features guest appearances by Sonya Hunter and Erik Pearson.

Sonya Hunter sings a song about two turtles, Speedy and Flash. Sonya is a veteran of the singing songwriter circuit.

Erik Pearson appears on the tracks "Where's My Horse" and "Parker House Rolls." Erik is a veteran of the Banjo circuit.

Depending on how you define "Best" and "Musician" and "World", Paulette just might be the best musician in the world.

This album is so great and fantastic that people are thinking about buying it even though it's a cd and nobody buys cds any more ever.

###

2nd Show Added 6/26/10 Saturday 1:00 p.m.

2010-06-25T20:34:00.001-07:00

I'm also playing here tomorrow 6/26/10

Oakland, 1:00 p.m.

I'll play for 45 minutes.

Helloakland Cafe

5557 Claremont Ave
(between Martin St & Forest St)
Oakland, CA 94618
Neighborhoods: North Oakland, Rockridge

Paulette Plays "Pink Saturday" 6/26/10 in SF

2010-06-25T20:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Fellow Human Being,

I feel the time has come in our relationship when I need to tell you all something which you may not already know about me, something that might confuse your or immediately kill you or which may kill you slowly and painfully.

I'm transgendered.

And in an attempt to become even more myself, i'll be playing on "pink saturday", the day before the Pride Parade, at Magnet in San Francisco. On the Magnet website I'm billed as "more", which is perfect because my ego has grown to the size of Dick Cheney's, and I need all the humility i can get. I'll play for 20 minutes.

It's kind of a large window, 5 p.m. to midnight. I have a feeling that I'll play 7 ish, but don't quote me.

Saturday, June 26, 5 pm - midnight

GAWK Presents: Live Music in the Castro
Walgreen's parking lot

GAWK presents live performances by Prognosis Negative, Little Black Bats, Video wine Party, Enzo Lombard, Kat Nguyen, Shea Van Winkle, and more (Paulette).

Jon Sugar MC's as a number of local queer bands will be performing in the Walgreen's parking lot just next door to Magnet as part of the Saturday evening pride celebrations. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence will be asking for a suggested donation of $7 as you enter the Castro neighborhood but no one will be turned away for lack of funds.

Magnet
4122 18th Street
San Francisco, CA
94114

In other news, my new cd's are here, at the Paulette International offices, so I'll have some to sell at the show. So be sure to change all your plans on Saturday so that you can come see me play and buy one of my fancy new cd's for $10.00 or all 100 for $500.00. I will sign it or them for you with my very own signature.

In other news, I'm going to have a cd release party in about a month in a half, and I will let you know the date as soon as I am able to.

Every day before and after that date will be a cd party, so get ready to party every day for the rest of your short little life.

More news.

Two radio people played some more of my music, one in Ottawa Canada, the other in Medford, MA.

I'm trying to get on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and here's my Dear Jimmy song.

Dear Mr. Kimmel

Love Always,

Paulette

Neil For Brian Show

2010-06-11T14:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Fan,

I played a benefit for my friend brian to help him pay for his Neil Young concert ticket

Here is the art.

Love Paulette

Fw: SPAM: That Time of Year Again

2010-06-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Devoted Far,

I'm taking indications of interest on my latest cd entitled, "Paulette: The New Norte Americana"

In other words, let me know if you'd like to pay money for it.

The CD will come in a "sleeve" and have "art".

Featured are Sonya Hunter and Erik Pearson with songs cowritten by Mary Liebau. And there's a song co-written with the monster songwriting team of D. O'neill, and B. Brooks.

Preview the art Brian Brooks did HERE.

Here is the song list, 29 songs and 37 minutes of music for $10.00 and $3.00 shipping in the US, the country i live in.

1. Where's My Horse 2. Parker House Rolls Live 3. Worst Song Ever 4. I Love to Sing 5. Horses Are Fun 6. Smoking 7. Animals 8. Unpopular Culture 9. My Bread Went Bad 10. Center of Universe 11. Corn is My Friend 12. Scratchin on the Porch 13. Oakland 14. Warmer Than San Francisco 15. Miserable Retail 16. Hank Williams 17. Camp Food 18. Maybe Babies 19. Fly Fishing 20. Eighteen 21. Food Here 22. Lightning 23. Older 24. Drinking a Lot 25. Neighbor's Dog 2 26. Too Many Roosters 27. Tomatoes 28. Neighbor's Dog 29. Speedy and Flash

Amor,

Paulette

Fw: art

2010-06-02T11:55:00.001-07:00

SPAM: More New Songs

2010-05-19T22:22:00.001-07:00

Dear pfan,

I've been making new songs and recording old ones.

Here's an old one i re-recorded.

My Bread Went Bad

It's about bread going bad.

I didn't do my internet show today because I didn't want to.

Today, I made eggs for breakfast and put Tapatio sauce and pepper on them. I thought they tasted good, but the eggs weren't as fluffy as when i made them the other day. I think it's because the eggs i used the other day were from "cage free" birds while the ones i used today were from "free range" birds. I thought eggs were eggs, but i guess I thought wrong.

I also made tea and served it with milk, nonfat. Boy, talk about one of life's simple pleasures, and I think the fact that i had the day off made it taste even better than it would taste on a work day.

I've been recording many short songs lately for what we in the business call an "album", and that's what i did today.

In a fit of extravagance, i went and bought a burrito for lunch, a rice and bean burrito with less cheese than normal, but the woman taking my order didn't hear the part about less cheese, so i got the usual amount of cheese. I thought about throwing a self-righteous tantrum, but i didn't throw it.

I went home, took a nap, woke up and taught a guitar lesson.

After the guitar, I went grocery shopping and i have some exciting stories to tell about that adventure, but i will save them for next time.

Until Then,

Paulette

Three Hour Show

2010-05-14T17:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Pan,

Today, I played a three hour show just for fun.

There were over 2 people listening at any one time, and this is something that I'm very proud of.

I played the show because Inger Binger missed Wednesday's show and apparently I hate to see such fan disappointment.

Love Always,

Paulette

SPAM: Paulette Live, Friday, April 30th with a Zombie Movie.

2010-04-23T22:15:00.001-07:00

Hi,

I'm playing Friday April 30th at the Krowswork gallery in Oakland. As I understand it, I'll play 3 short sets, totalling about 30 or 45 minutes of music.

Show starts at 6:00 p.m.

480 23rd Street

Oakland, CA

$5.00

The event is a sneak preview, so besides a short opening set, I'll play during one or two intermissions.

here is a song I made for the occasion and will sing live.

ZOMBIE SONG

And here's a song i recorded today. In it, I'm playing music with another human being, my friend Erik Pearson.

WHERE'S MY HORSE

Lately, A lot of people have been asking me what it's like to do my webcast, and I tell them, "It's difficult and strange to play for people you can only see on the computer." I prefer to actually be in the same room as the people i play for, but since it's hard to find halls large enough to hold the crowds I draw, I'm relegated to these webcasts.

It's gotten to the point where, if you count the other musicians and bands and staff, I'll consistently get anywhere from 4 to 15 people coming to a show, and it's overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed, the venue is overwhelmed, and the towns we play in are overwhelmed. I love being whelmed, but not overwhelmed.

I realize the webcast is a compromise, but I'm willing to sacrifice quality for audience size and convenience.

Love Always,

Paulette

CANNED LUNCHEON MEAT: Eagle Tavern footage and yardage

2010-04-16T14:56:00.001-07:00

Dear Spam Victim,

As I'm absolutely certain you're all aware, the band I'm in now, boatclub, we played last night at the Eagle Tavern in sunny san francisco, the town that has streets. It was fun.

We played 10 songs, and the set list was as follows.

Beautiful Flower (Matt Piucci)

My Friends (John Thoman)

Around i feel u (Mark Hanley)

Problem Sammy Now (matt)

Vicki (mark)

Audio from Silent (mark)

Creosoda (instrumental)

What She's Done to Your Mind (matt)

Transgender(ed) (paulette)

It's a People's World (mark)

Blue (Matt)

Here's video of us playing Transgendered for about 5 minutes. I'm wearing a wig, a pink hoodie, faux leopard-skin pants and running shoes.

It's hard to hear matt's guitar playing, so that kind of sucks. There are actually some loud "YEAH'S" from the audience, so maybe we connected with some of them.

The sound system at the bar was good so it made it fun to play, and the people there were rather friendly in a good way.

Paulette

Deletable SPAM: Too things

2010-04-10T22:47:00.001-07:00

Hi Lovely People,

Two Things:

As you know, I'm now on the internet in the form of a "webcast", and it's like having a radio show with video.

I'm having my second show on

04/14/2010: 12:15 pm - 1:15 pm

Paulette's Music Show

Paulette Plays Music and talks about nothing

If anybody wants to play music or sing with me on the show, let me know.

Thing 2

I'm in a band called "boatclub".

here's the website.

boatclub website

We're playing at the EAGLE TAVERN in sunny san francisco, CA

Thurs April 15th:
BOATCLUB (ex Rain Parade!)
GARY FLOYD (of The Dicks)
JENNY KERR

If you come to see me, just know that we will play my song, "Transgendered,"and maybe another one if the mood is right. I'm trying to sell the band on the gay marriage song since there might be some gay people in attendance.

Bring your chaps!!!

Paulette

SUPER SPAM: PAULETTE'S WEBSHOW TODAY 12:15 PST

2010-04-07T10:30:00.001-07:00

Hi Agoraphobes,

Here's your chance to see and hear me "live" on your computer screen.

Don't get too excited!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, April 7, Wednesday, 2010, from the Paulette International studios in Oakland.

12:15 P.M. PST

PAULETTE'S MUSIC SHOW

Love Always,

Paulette

SPAM: My Boring Scanner Story Part 1

2010-03-17T13:39:00.001-07:00

SCANNER STORY

Dearly Beloved,

In my last missive to y'all, I mentioned in a postscript that i had a really boring story to tell about my scanner, and i said to let me know if you wanted to hear it.

Well, the response has been overwhelming. Every single one of you, my mailees, but one begged me to tell my scanner story.

So here it goes.

"I woke up that morning and didn't know what time it was because I had moved my futon mattress to the floor to get a good sleep, and in order to see my clock, i had to prop myself up on my arm and look backward. I really didn't feel like knowing what time it was since i didn't have any appointments on my day off and felt like resting after walking many miles at work. According to my pedometer, I had walked about 25 miles over the past 4 days, and my legs begged me to let them rest in my warm bed. So there I lay, moving in and out of sleep until later in the morning or early afternoon when i awoke and assumed the position, the yogic child's pose, while still in bed. The child's pose felt really good, so i stayed in it for a few minutes with my blanket over my back to keep me warm and safe from the dangerously cold morning in my apartment overlooking broadway ave.

My blanket is really a combination of blankets in that i have a down comforter with a fluffy synthetic green plaid blanket over it in order to keep me extra, extra comfortable when the mercury takes a dive and goes swimming. The down feathers bunch up in the corners of the comforter so the warmest parts of my bed are the corners, but the corners are really too small for me to fit in, so the only thing really keeping the heat in is the duvet cover material itself. Hence the need for the fluffy synthetic blanket.

My aunt has some really old blankets. Some of them look like they're about 25 or 30 years old, but they still keep you warm, and the wool ones still itch.

My pillow is really comfortable though. I don't know how else to say it. When my head and neck are resting on it, i stop thinking about my blankets because my pillow feels so cushy but supportive, supportive like an underwire bra or a jock strap. I like pillows because as a popular television mental counselor says, "It gives you a soft place to land." When the world is falling apart, i can count on the softness of my pillow.

After I finished stretching in the child's pose, I took my blanket and duvet (comforter) off and cast them aside like a useless 45 year old while i stood tall like an eagle stretching itself on a rock looking over a lake with non-native fish in it. I've seen bald eagles at the san Francisco zoo, and I have to say that they truly are majestic creatures what with their severe, no nonsense expressions and how they never seem to lighten up and relax.

But I certainly was relaxed and rejuvenated after resting and stretching in my futon-on-the-floor bed. I felt like a million dollars, like I had enough strength and motivation to get all the way out of bed and stand up on my svelte and toned legs. I'm mostly a thin person, but I can get overweight sometimes, like the time when I had a desk job and would eat pasta and potatoes and rice and bread and butter and cow fat and chicken fat and French fries and 7 pounds of bacon covered with 5 pounds of swiss cheese per week. And I would also eat snicker's bars because they are so incredibly satisfying and healthy because they have peanuts in them and peanuts are from a plant, and plants are natural. I started to put on weight, and it went to my abdomen and hips, and my doctor recommended eating less and doing situps. I told my friends about what my doctor said, and they looked at me in disbelief, saying, "but you're so thin" and I always thought I was kind of thin so I was kind of confused, but now that I walk for about 8 hours a day at work, I start to see that maybe I had a bit of abdominal fat that I didn't need.

But I don't feel any different now that I walk for hours at a time each day. In fact, it kind of makes me tired when my pedometer says that I've taken 20,000 steps at work and 2000 is supposed to make a mile.

But I was able to stand up and walk out of bed on that day when I had the excitement with my scanner, my Shitronics Scanville 4000, one of the hottest scanners in it's price range the week that I bought it. The week after I bought it, the Shitronics company stopped "supporting" it, and we all know what this means, if you have a problem with it, it's really too bad. It's a sad, sad story.

That's the end of part 1. Stay tuned for part 2.

and here's a song i made for my friend Brian's retail merchandising character Oopsie Daisy. The line is discontinued, but you can still find stuff on amazon.com. Some people in england made a fan club for her, so i made her a song.

Oopsie Daisy Song

Love Always,

Paulette

SPAM: Story by Tom Carns and Paulette Nichols

2010-03-12T19:32:00.001-08:00

Hi fan,

I was just called by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I told the woman i didn't have any money. The woman was pushy. she wanted me to mail out 15 letters to people. I think i would have done it, but i was busy writing this really important e-mail. I think i will go to hell or that maybe my selfishness puts me in hell already. Does anybody out there have leukemia or lymphoma, or do you know somebody who has or has had it? I'll understand if you never want to have anything to do with me again.

As many of you know, I've been working on a story not about leukemia or lymphoma with Tom Carns, the Man, for about 35 years now, and this is what we've done with it so far. Thanks to Sonya to who had the idea to put the art into a slideshow.

Bunny and Dude

Also, a number of you may know and love bob and ray. Here's a song i made using some words from one of their bits.

HOMAGE TO BOB AND RAY

I made this song for my friend Chandler because it's his birthday soon and I'm thankful that he's still alive. His wife is super lovely too.

Go buy his music.

Chandler's Music

Selfishly and Myopically Yours,

Paulette

p.s.

Let me know if you want me to tell you my really boring story about my scanner.

SPAM: Universal Career Intervention

2010-02-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Fan,

I'm going on a religious crusade to wall street in New York City, New York to place myself closer to the spiritual center of my universe. This little opus is about me hoping that I can connect, that I can join myself with that spiritual center when i get there.

Wall Street Prayer

Your Evangelical Zealot,

Paulette

SPAM: Living in the past 1

2010-02-23T19:21:00.001-08:00

Dear Paulette Fan,

I played at a Party on Sunday, Feb 21 in San Francisco, CA. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. I had fun. It was fun.

My cousin broadcast his Let's Paint TV show live from the party from 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., and I provided mood music and an occasional song, a song once in a while, every now and then, intermittently, sporadically, and not all the time. He took calls and audience suggestions, broke a melon with his forehead, blenderized ice, painted, sang, exercised, inspired, instructed, and probably more than that for an hour, 60 minutes, 59 plus one minutes.

I also played a short set later in the day to a crowd of almost 20 live, breathing, fully clothed people, some of whom had driven over 10 miles through a kind of misty rain to be there. These were the people brave enough to leave their computers, brave enough to leave their homes with only a hand-held computer and/or whatever information they could fit in their nervous systems. These were the people strong enough to carry their bodies, their fit, toned, free-range, cruelty-free, grade A bodies out of their chairs and homes into the non-virtual, analog world.

If you would like to connect the past with the present, you can click on "this link" and see me sing with blue and red light on my face while strumming a guitar and standing on both of my feet at the same time. I was up the whole night before, practicing standing on both of my feet, and I only finally got the hang of it in the wee hours of the morning. Nobody at the show mentioned my standing, but it is what i am most proud of in the performance.

THIS LINK

Together, we can get the groceries we need.

Paulette

Spam: Paulette again on Let's Paint TV Feb 21, 2010

2010-02-17T20:24:00.001-08:00

Hi Kids,

Here we are in February, the second month of the year, the month when we walk around on the planet and look at each other, the month when the stars move and we buy food at the grocery store.

It's an exciting time February in California. The kids are running in front of traffic, dogs are sniffing around, birds are foraging or at least looking for food, and i'm sitting at my computer spelling words, trying to communicate with you.

I'll be on Let's Paint TV on Sunday, Feb 21, 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. backing up my cousin and performing a song or two of mine. Let me know if you have any requests, and I'll see what I can do. just click on the link at 11:00 a.m. and there I'll be, right before your very eyes, playing something music-like or rhythmic or having tones.

http://letspainttv.com/

In other news, I just returned from Carson, Nevada where I was involved in an archaeological dig that produced some truly interesting finds such as the sheet music for a song called, "Where's My Horse?" written by Francine Patrick in 1862. I researched Francine and found out that she was a songwriter who wrote about her life on a chicken farm in Carson. Apparently, she wrote this particular song when she couldn't find her horse because her friend hid it in a prank.

Where's My Horse

Sincerely,

Paulette

SPAM: Wurld Preemear

2010-02-09T21:43:00.001-08:00

Dear Fellow Human Being,

Here's a really important story told in a popular medium, moving pictures or "movies", with sound and in color.

My indisposable staff and I worked real hard on this, and we even kept it slightly under budget, so we're going to invest the balance of the budget money on inflated real estate.

I haven't really turned it up yet, but maybe I'll do so while my neighbor is in the shower.

Mildred the Cow Sings Abraham Lincoln

Love Always,

Paulette

SPAM: Living the Dream, Sleep walking

2010-02-03T20:06:00.001-08:00

Dear Fan,

I woke up at 5:45 a.m. and all of a sudden, decided to play Montgomery St. BART station in San Francisco for about 3 minutes after getting some tea and a muffin at the national chain cafe.

I think my motive in this crime was my desire to have certain songs reach their target audiences, and in the case of two songs, "Debt Instruments" and "Credit Default Swaps", their target audience is people who work in the financial services industry.

I'm not saying that people in other industries don't thoroughly enjoy songs about bonds and derivatives that tank banks and loser insurance companies. I'm just saying that you don't feed dogs chocolate or raisins.

And so I went to the heart of the San Francisco financial district, Montgomery St. BART station, and wondered what i was doing there, feeling a bit foolish but definitely not bored.

During my 3 to 4 minute show, some woman walking to work was nice and smiled, and i smiled back, but the guy at the newspaper stand 20 feet in front of me would stare blankly at me when i smiled at him or made eye contact.

I showed the video to the spider in my apartment up by the curtain rod, and she said the video reminds her of Martin Scorsese's "The Last Waltz" when Rick Danko is wasted and playing "That Old Time Religion", but I have a feeling she was trying not to hurt my feelings. The clip reminds me of when an investigative news show uses secret cameras, and they have trouble aiming them at their subjects.

And so I ask, "Did I deliver these songs to their target audience?"

Well, maybe, but mostly no unless people watch the stinkin', time wasting video, and even then, they're tough to hear. I suppose I filmed a non-event to try to make it into an event, kind of like when protesters call the media to amplify their voices or the media coaches the protesters, but hey, so what?

If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobody videotaping it, who will play the tree in the re-enactment?

Paulette Plays Montgomery BART

Teleologically Yours,

Paulette

Way too much spam

2010-01-27T17:33:00.001-08:00

Hyphan,

I didn't send this out originally because i didn't want to tell everybody before my cousin did, but if you didn't know, i'm my cousin's biggest sycophant, and I feel lucky to have been a part of this. I made the music for it with the help of my CASIO keyboard onboard drum machine.

It's only 7 minutes, so get your exercise ball out, sit in the chair and drink beer or eat candy or chips or hot dogs or anything heavily sauteed in butter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJgO_0cbCuA

Paulette

Spam: I Love to Smoke

2010-01-25T19:59:00.001-08:00

Hi Zealot,

While writing this e-mail to you, I'm not totally sure what I'm trying to say with this video, but I did have fun doing it. I got to buy cigarettes at the liquor store for about $4.50, and they gave me a free book of matches with them. I felt like such an adult, and they didn't even ask for id.

I asked for their cheapest cigarettes, and they came in a box that said "RAVE" on it, so I thought that was pretty neat to have a box that said "RAVE" because, well, I guess I like words and the idea of buying rave strikes me as being pretty neat. I asked for a smaller pack, but that's the smallest they came in, a pack of i don't know, 24 or 18.

Since I've been doing these freakin' videos, or because or after doing these videos, i start thinking about the visual world more than before, and i ponder the notion of image and rock and roll and "coolness", "hipness", messages, and selling.

I Love To Smoke

Love Always,

Paulette

Spam: Paulette's Plant Tour 2010

2010-01-08T16:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Unadulterated Paulette Fan,

If I had I dime for every time somebody said to me, "Hey, Paulette, Do you have any houseplants, and if so what do they look like and what kinds are they?" I'd be unbearably wealthy, so wealthy that if I were a country, I could afford to subsidize health care like i subsidized oil companies and failing banks and failing automobile corporations.

So I decided to share my life with people i don't know by making this video, Paulette's Plant Tour 2010, with the help of the Oakland Arts Council and my indisposable interns here at Paulette International. I hope that the video fosters a misunderstanding free understanding between people of all nations, bicycle races, cultures, subways, schools, body positions, body types, shoe sizes, eyebrow shapes and sock thicknesses throughout the world.

I hope you have as much fun watching it as i had making it, even though it took every scrap of energy I had left over after climbing K2 without oxygen and after building 50 schools in Pakistan, Oakland and Afghanistan.

Paulette's Plant Tour 2010

Love Always

Paulette

CANNED MEAT: New Song

2010-01-01T15:58:00.001-08:00

Here's a new, short song. Sing along!!!!!!!!!!!

Go Fuck Yourself

Love,

Paulette

SPAM: Paulette Sells Out

2009-12-31T11:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Phan,

Here's a video of me, Paulette, playing a song I wrote a number of years back when i was living in Stockton, CA.

I thought I'd dust it off and see I could find any relevance in it, relevance to my life I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN1HcIET9pQ

The audio lost something in the upload, so the guitar kind of sounds like it's under water at times, but I have budgetary limitations, so you might have to get used to it if you want to watch any upcoming, fantastically interesting and enthralling videos.

Welcome to the hell of the 21st Century. Technology will set us free from our bodies so that we won't have to lift fingers or burn calories or use any muscles whatsoever forever.

Love,

Paulette

Kinda Fun 2 Paragraphs

2009-12-28T16:07:00.001-08:00

Once upon some kind of time in the history of the united states after the first history was destroyed by a disaster of disastrous proportions, a disaster so big that it killed all the people in the united states, even the "illegal" aliens, and all of the history books were so badly burned that you couldn't tell if Ishi was the last of the Yahi's or the first United States President. All of the history books were all destroyed by fire, so there was no history other than that which could be pieced together by sober archaeologists who would go out to a "site" and "dig" for junk, any kind of junk, but especially junk that they could use to tell a story about the people that were dead and gone.

The first new inhabitant of the united states was named Adam by both of his parents, mary and joseph, and he came up from mexico after the big disaster that killed all of the American citizens in the blink of an eye, the flick of the wrist, a shake of the leg, a mexico that was mostly Mexican and mexicanny, filled with Mexican people who spoke Spanish in spite of the fact that they were from mexico and not spain, much like British Colonies sometimes spoke English.

Spammm: More Quaint Cultural Music

2009-12-23T13:17:00.001-08:00

http://pauletteinternational.com/music/workingonxmas2.mp3

I'll be working on christimas instead of seeing my loved ones. No, I'm not upset about it. At all. I'm not upset. Really, I'm not upset by this.

Total SPAM: Life Sentences

2009-12-09T20:13:00.001-08:00

At Peets, out in front, on a wooden bench, under the awning, on Mountain Boulevard, in Montclair, on the stinking hill in the forest, a guy, some loser, sits, holding out food while a pigeon,a rat with wings, perches on his hand, eating, flapping its wings to balance, to fly off if agitated if the scene gets too sketchy, too threatening, too crazy, dangerous, deadly.

The wooden bench in front of the store by the glass swinging door entrance reminds me, yours truly, paulette, reminds me of electric chairs I've seen made of wood in photos, in magazines, in books, on TV, chairs designed not to conduct electricity out to the rest of the torture chamber to the murdering murderers.

And in my tiny mammalian brain, my teensy-weensy mammalian brain, in my relaxed, unhurried state, sitting at a table, warm, inside of doors, sipping tea, I associate a lovely wooden bench with a murder of retribution, a compensatory murder, a state termination of human life, an execution.

How dreary, I think, in shadow as the sun hits the floor and my left arm, the arm closest to the window, the arm holding my only head up off of the granite coffee table, circular and static in its cold weightiness, a weightiness we could count on in a pinch if we needed an effective paperweight or fishing sinker.

I go pee out the tea I've been drinking, my English Breakfast tea the Barista, counter guy, coffee jerk gave me for free because I had to wait thirty impossibly painful seconds while he ordered more coffee over the phone to stock his empty shelves, shelves with no coffee on them, and inside the unisex toilet at the back of the store, under two air ducts, I see some locked cabinets dimly lit, a toilet and a sink with a mirror to check my thin, short hair. I pee, letting go of my bladder muscle voluntarily, and out flows my tea, discolored of course, showing some change after digestive processing. "Ahh" I sigh or say or utter or sing or something. It's kind of a sigh of relief that we can all relate to, a release of pressure, strain and stress, a chance to pee out and on all the daily bullshit life hands us.

After peeing, I like to wash my hands with soap and water in a sink with hot water. The hot water warms my cold hands, and it feels good to put my hands in hot water, so good that i start to cry, knowing that I'm the luckiest person in the world, the world filled with starvation, crime, stupidity, friendliness and organized people mobilized to solve important problems such as late mail and overgrown mosquito populations.

SPAM: Heartwarming Christmas Story

2009-12-04T11:17:00.001-08:00

Last night afer sunset, I was walking around the christmas tree lot, looking around for things to do, and this guy walks up to the twine bucket and cuts himself a long piece. I noticed him because there was something strange about his behaviour. He had walked to the bucket and kind of kept his head down, looking truly serious and expeditious, as though he were on a mission in outer space to fight a deadly monster.

And so i figured in my little brain, well, maybe he just needs some twine for some reason, and I let it go, until i found out that he was tying his tree down on his car way, way far away from the loading area.

So I walked over to his green mini-van with his family in it.

I thought I'd give him the benefit of my doubt.

"Hi, did somebody already check your receipt?"

"Yeah. Do you ask everybody that?"

"Yep. You're no different than anybody else"

And so, I thought, ok fine, that's as far as I'll pursue it. And as I'm turning to walk away

"You came all the way over here to fuck with me?"

"I apologize, but that's my job."

And then I went to get some shopping carts in the vicinity, the area, nearby, and he spouts off again about his righteous indignation, and I apologize again for the pain and humiliation he's suffered by my interrogation.

I later see my coworker Pierre 2.

"Hey, Pierre 2, did you check the receipt of a guy with a green minivan?"

"no"

I then see my coworker Nut-nut.

"Hey Nut-nut, did you check the receipt of a guy with a green minivan?"

"no"

Finally, I see my coworkers Pierre 1 and Rocky.

"Hey Pierre 1 and Rocky, did you check the receipt of a guy with a green minivan?"

"no"

"I saw the guy drive off with it though."

"I see. Well the guy said somebody checked his receipt."

We all laughed.

And feelings started pouring through my little body.

I was upset and felt betrayed by this lying person.

And so I now look upon all Christmas tree shoppers as potential criminals unworthy of any trust whatsoever.

But then three girls got a tree and took my photo while i stood it up for them to see.

and when the girl with her fancy hybrid car came to pick it up, she didn't have her receipt because her friend was inside paying for it.

I put the tree in her car.

"you're not stealing it are you?"
"No, my friend is paying for it inside."

And she kind of looked at me funny and parked her car in the general parking lot. She knew i was kidding, but i felt stupid for saying it anyhow.

I apologize for problems with tense.

writing bs

2009-11-15T11:37:00.001-08:00

The rat went up the hill to fetch a pail of water because that's where the water store is, at the top of the hill.

"Hello, I'd like to get a pail of water," said the rat at the top of the hill.

"And who sent you?" said the top of the hill water pail attendant.

"Why, my mother of course because my dad is busy at work, slaving away to put bread on the table," said the boy.

"How many pails did you want?"

"Just one."

"You're not gonna go changing your mind saying you want a second pail in 20 seconds are you?"

"No sir, I just want one pail of water."

"And what kind of water did you want?"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't understand."

"Do you want clean water or dirty water?"

"Clean water please sir."

"Here you are laddie." And the water pail attendant rat handed the boy rat a pail of fresh, clean, crystal clear, cold water.

"Thank you sir."

"you're welcome, now go bid good tidings to your mother."

"I'm sorry sir, I don't understand."

"Tell your mother hello."

"Yes sir, I will."

And the boy rat began his way down the hill whistling merrily as he went. He whistled the popular rat folk tune, "where's my cheese" and then broke into song.

Oh where's my cheese

Where's my cheese

Brother can you help me please

Find my cheese

Brother can you help me please

The path went into a thicket which was shady and cool, and as the rat boy walked into the thicket, he took a deep, deep breath of cool, shady air. It went into his little rat lungs and filled up his little rat blood with oxygen, and then he fell asleep standing up but woke up and lied down, putting his rat shirt behind his head for a rat pillow and falling asleep again.

A group of 15 rat marauders walking by saw the rat boy on the ground and expressed glee at their discovery.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?"

"A slumbering youth."

"with a pail of fresh, clear, clean water."

"We must express our glee."

And so, they all began singing their favorite marauding song.

We are rat marauders

That's what we are

We really are rat marauders

We like to maraud

And that makes us marauders

We are rat marauders

The marauders' singing woke the nameless rat boy up and he looked up from his sleeping, reclining position. He was startled to see 15 mean looking people dancing around him, singing a song.

"Are you guys gay?"

"We are marauders," they answered in unison.

"I know that, but are you gay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do some of guys have sex with each other?"

"yes, but only out of necessity, if we don't have captured women."

"But I'm in love with Herman," said one of the marauding rats, and Herman the marauding rat smiled proudly.

And then the leader took the nameless rat boy's pail of crystal clear water.

"Hey, that's my water for my mother."

"Not any more, you little punk"

"Why are you so mean?"

The leader thought for a moment about his whole rat life and how he never seemed to fit in.

"I guess it comes naturally."

"I hate you," said the little boy.

"You'll get used to it," said the rat marauder leader.

The rat marauders left the rat boy in the thicket sans pail, pail free, and moved on to the rat boy's house where they found his mother cleaning the floors. They gang raped her and captured her and carried her off to their hideout deep in the forest in a huge hollowed out buried log.

Numerous search parties were sent out, but to no avail. Rat boy lived with his father who started drinking to numb his heartbroken, heartshattered, heart decimated pain.

The Scuba Rats

2009-11-13T10:19:00.001-08:00

The rats are under water. They swim there, and they have tons of fun. They wear little scuba tanks and breathing apparatuses which help them go diving. They love to look at the fish.

"How lovely the fish are!" sayeth the mother rat.

"Oh yes, they are tres, tres lovely," sayeth the kids in unison.

"Look at the minnow," sayeth the mother.

"It's rather plain," sayeth the kids in unison.

"Look at the goldfish," sayeth the mother.

"It's shiny and colorful like our beloved sun" sayeth the kids in unison.

"Look at the alligator," sayeth the mother.

But the kids are so scared by the alligator that they rush to the surface and get the bends and die, while the mother is eaten by the alligator, scuba gear and all. Crunch, Crunch, Crunch.

The Snail Story

2009-11-04T17:20:00.001-08:00

There was a snail and it went out onto the sidewalk and it got squished by some kids riding by on their bikes. It sounded like an egg breaking when you're gonna fry up eggs, but nobody fried up the snail, they just kept walking over it and grinding it into the sidewalk while the sun fried it and made it dry like dried seaweed. And then, some people scraped it off the ground and used it instead of seaweed to wrap their sushi. They thought it tasted really good, and they looked forward to finding more dried up, squished snails on the sidewalk.

my la trip

2009-11-03T21:05:00.001-08:00

Dear Fan,

I went to la. It was fun.

I think my favorite part of the trip was sitting on my cousin john's couch, watching an exercise video and drinking beer.

We watched the world series. Go Phillies!

I saw chevy commercials about 16 times. I promise never to buy a chevy.

We walked May the wonder dog. Serena hasn't been feeling well. She has a bum ankle.

We bbq'd chicken and zuchini.

Kimon came and played on day one of Let's Paint TV.

On day two of Let's Paint TV, Cousin John had a meltdown on his show because his internet TV channel was favoring another show.

We went to two thrift stores and ate tacos at a mexican restaurant.

We saw some chickens.

My face dried out and became chapped.

I went to tea and danced with adults and a kid.

I played the Tomorrow Show.

I ate halloween candy and gave some to neighbor kids.

We ate cheese sandwiches.

I bagged groceries at trader joes when we shopped there.

I played at the Steve Allen Theatre for about 10 minutes to a crowd of about 30. Some of them seemed to enjoy it. Nobody assaulted me after the show.

My car made it.

I brought "The Poisonwood Bible" to read, but I didn't really read it at all.

I recently finished "Anna Karenina". It's about some woman named Anna.

If you'd like elaboration on any one of these fascinating events, just ask.

Paulette

Art For Aaron

2009-10-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

Weeee!

SPAM: Upcoming LA Shows oct 29, 30, 31

2009-10-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to SPAM.com, a world of effortless, everyday creativity.

Are you hungry for tasty—and easy—new dishes to help you wake up from sleep cooking?
Are you searching for the latest, the greatest, the newest news about the SPAM® Family of Products?
You've come to the right place.

Dear Viewer,

I'm still gonna play at the magnet show on the 24th october.

I have 2 or 3 Los Angeles "gigs" coming up.

On the 30th and possibly the 29th, I'll be on Let's Paint TV yet again.

go to www.letspainttv.com or

http://www.stickam.com/letspainttv

show is from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. m-f.

and, I'm playing "The Tomorrow Show" which looks like a vaudeville type show to me. I'll be sandwiched between comedians and comediennes, and they'll probably have a band of sorts too.

I tried to get booked on "The Yesterday Show" where I'd have been sandwiched in between tragedians and tragediennes, but the booking person was too sad to respond.

The Tomorrow Show. Every Saturday night at midnight in the Steve Allen Theater (at the Center for Inquiry-West) in Los Feliz, California.

4773 Hollywood Blvd. Hollywood, CA 90027

http://www.steveallentheater.com/tomorrow

What the hell is "sleep cooking"? Can we find the people who wrote the spam copy and torture them?

Kill the sick and poor!!!

Love,

Paulette

Spam: Another Big Fat Paulette Show Oct 24

2009-09-18T12:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Acolytes and Followers,

It's that time of month again, time when I go forth into the loving, caring world to play music in public.

I'll be playing again at Magnet on SATURDAY, October 24, as part of my DUI community service.

The show starts at 7:00 p.m. and usually goes until 9:30 p.m. or so.

I don't know when I'll go on, but if I find out, I'll let you know. I usually go on at about 8:00 or 8:30.

Magnet
4122 18th Street
San Francisco, CA
94114

In other news:

Through my internet distributor, I sold a cd to somebody in Helsinki, Finland for the first time in my life. If you're not doing anything, maybe you could track them down and ask them how they found out about it. With the proceeds from the cd sale, I'm going to start a non-profit hospital for runaway three to four year olds.

In still other news:

My song "Ninety-two Toyota Tercel" didn't make it on to the Car Talk Music Compilation CD probably because I'd been promising the producers sexual favors if they included it.

In other news:

My songwriting productivity is down. Instead of writing songs, I've been trying to write stories.

Here's part of one of my stories. I tried to write it in English.

I was supposed to start work that day at 10:30 a.m. sharp, but I got there at 10:32 a.m. and wasn't chewed out by my immediate supervisor.

"Hi," said I.

"Hi," said she, "Are you late?"

"Not really."

"Check the soils and watering list. I've got you on as backup garden cashier"

"Wow, cool!"

I checked the "soils/H20" schedule on the clipboard hanging from the storage room gate. My soil area assignment was from 10:30 a.m. to 12:00 a.m, but sadly, I didn't have any watering assignment to complement it. So I got my straw hat, gloves, box-cutter, sun block and eye shadow out of my employee storage container and headed off to the garden office mirror where I applied my Neutrogena spf 85 sun block on my nose, cheeks, forehead, neck and jawline, spreading the lotion evenly, eliminating any excess areas. A light, powder foundation sat nicely on the lotion and hid my few imperfections, leaving my face looking fresh, clean and smooth. I brushed on my fluorescent blue eye shadow with abandon, applying it liberally so that if you saw me from a distance, my eyes looked kind of clownish.

After applying my makeup artistically, I walked to my "Soil Area" post in front of the store. We have about 30 different products out there. There's mulch, bark, steer manure, chicken manure, peat moss, potting soil, compost, humus, sand and pea gravel. The chicken manure is my favorite because it makes me think about chickens. All of these pallets come wrapped in plastic so that they don't tip over and make a mess during shipping. The pallet stackers also put thick plastic between stacked layers on the pallet for some reason I don't know. So there's always plastic to throw away as you take more and more bags of soil off of the pallet.

I chirped happily, gathering up the loose, wrapping plastic, but when I looked for the "Soil Area" garbage can to put it in, it wasn't there. It was gone. I stopped chirping and stood and stared slack-jawed in shock. My eyes became misty, my chin began to quiver like a quiver of arrows, and I had to sit down for a while. I was overwhelmed.

Noteworthy Spam: Big Fat Paulette Show Tonight 9/4/09

2009-09-04T12:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Rabid Fanatic with a Foamy Mouth,

I'm playing tonight at Smokey's Tangle after and possibly during the First Fridays Lino Cut Show featuring work by over 5 different artists.

The art show opening reception will start at 7:00 p.m.

I will probably start at about 9:30 or 10:00 p.m.

So instead of rereading Joyce's Ulysses or Finnegan's Wake while having a pedicure and bikini wax, come on out to

4709 Telegraph Ave.

Oakland, CA 94609

North America, Earth

Milky Way Candy Bar

spot of dust under the bed.

I'll be playing a six-stringed guitar that has one more string than most five-stringed guitars and two more strings than pretty much all four-stringed guitars.

I'll be using a plastic pick because I like the way they feel. When I hold the plastic pick, it reminds me of holding a fluffy kitty named whiskers or a grocery bag full of milk, tortillas, bagels, tea, dried apricots, vanilla yogurt and peanuts.

I'll be making noises in the back of my mouth, and they will cause my sinuses to resonate, giving the sound some richness, fullness. I've been learning new words like "the" and "and" and "of" so if you listen carefully, the songs will be peppered with these newy wordies.

I don't know exactly what to wear, so if you have something in mind, be sure to bring it along, otherwise, I'll probably wear jeans and some kind of top.

I won't be serving food, but you're welcome to bring whatever you'd like.

I probably won't take a shower because I already took one last night.

We'll also be celebrating pre-New Years Eve for those who can't wait for the real thing in December.

The venue has lights, so you don't need to bring your own. There's also a toilet and a sink if you need to get ready to go to bed.

Telegraph is fully paved, and the sidewalk is also paved, so you don't need to bring your off-road vehicle or hiking shoes.

They don't have a fire permit, so campfires are not allowed anywheres period, but if you feel like it, you might get away with sleeping on the street in front of the liquor store.

If you bring your horse, you can tie it up to one of the new street parking paystations.

I'll be making noises in the back of my mouth, and they will cause my sinuses to resonate, giving the sound some richness, fullness.

If you bring a mouse, be sure to keep it off the floor. I know I don't have to tell you why.

If you bring a small kid, they can be put to use cleaning the chimney.

See You Theres!

Also, be sure to download copy upon copy of "Paulette Makes Large Amounts of Money Playing Music" from itunes.

You can also find it on Napster.

Love Always,

Paulette

Spam: Paulette Plays Live in a Bar 8/2/09

2009-07-24T13:48:00.001-07:00

Hi,

I'm still kind of playing music, and I'll be playing a show in San Francisco at the Noc Noc Bar at 557 Haight Street on August 2nd, 2009.

It's a Sunday, and the show starts at 4:00 p.m. and goes until 7:00 p.m. So, for parents, this will be the perfect opportunity to bring the kids and start them drinking.

For those of you who like alcohol, I think it'll be happy hour with $3.00 beer or something like that.

Also playing will be Jaina and Rachelle who will sing and play music while singing. I believe I am the opening act.

In other news, be sure to visit cdbaby.com or itunes or napster or rhapsody and download the whole or some part of "Paulette Makes Large Amounts of Money Playing Music."

Love,

Paulette

Spam: New Retail Song Package

2009-06-26T10:56:00.001-07:00

Dear Music Consuming Fan,

If you like buying things, here's a new retail opportunity available on CD Baby.

It's my compilation cd with mostly new stuff and some old stuff. It's entitled

Paulette Makes Large Amounts of Money Playing Music

So here's your chance to buy what I've been giving away for free.

Also, I have 6 Chequessett shirts left. 3 women's large, 1 men's XL, 2 men's Large.

Love Always,

Paulette

Spam: Sugar and Fat and Let's Paint TV

2009-05-28T01:58:00.001-07:00

Beloved lovers,

Remember to come see Let's Paint TV live at Smokey's Tangle this Friday 5/29/09 at 7:00 p.m. and Saturday 5/30/09 at 5:00 p.m.

Smokey's Tangle
4709 Telegraph Ave
Oakland, CA

Phone: 5104500150
Email: gallery@smokeystangle.com

In other news, here's a piece of music with words entitled, "Sugar and Fat"

I eat sugar and fat
and then I watch TV
I eat sugar and fat
and then I fall asleep
sugar and fat yeah

Hope to see you on Friday or Saturday.

With All Due Diligence,

Paulette

Spam: Magnet Show and Friday Dance Party

2009-05-22T13:58:00.001-07:00

Dear Lovely, Wonderful, Fantastic, Excellent Person,

I'm Playing tomorrow night 5/23/09 at about 8:30 p.m. at Magnet in San Francisco.

MAGNET LINK

Also, In an effort to promote dancing, I wrote this here dance song.

If You Don't Like

And in an attempt to satisfy all of my lowbrow friends, here's a jingle for my future soil business.

Soil Yourself

Love Always,

Paulette

Spam: Two Info-bits

2009-05-15T20:53:00.001-07:00

Howdy Ha Shindiggers,

Two things.

Here's a new song called "You can't play music with Debt Instruments". I started it a long time ago, and I just fleshed it out. It comes from my halcyon days in the financial services industry.

Also, the Let's Paint TV "Embrace Failare Tour" is Coming to Smokey's Tangle in Oakland on May 29 and 30th, and I will be accompanying Mr. Let's Paint musically and spiritually.

If you still don't know about Let's Paint TV here's a link: Let's Paint TV link

I don't know what time of day the shows will be on the 29th and 30th, because I don't think anybody else knows. I'm guessing it'll be around 7 or 8 p.m. on friday, but i don't know about saturday.

And here's a song I made for the Embrace Failare Tour: Embrace Failare

Have a lovely weekend, and I hope you're enjoying the recession/depression as much as I am!

Paulette

Spam: New Songs

2009-04-20T12:12:00.001-07:00

Hi,

I done wrote two new songs.

The first one is a quote from my cousin, Mr. Let's Paint, who either said, "Creativity is not a freakin' game" or "Creativity is not a fuckin' game." I don't know which, but i'm pretty sure he said it both ways.

Creativity is not a Freakin' Game

The second song is for my good friends in Brasil and anybody who speaks portugese.

My Friend Ana helped me to translate from English to Portugese.

Fiz uma depilacao completa
doeu, mas sou valente
depois ainda joguei futebol na grama
adoro uma pelada
quer jogar comiga
e bom

Translated:

I got a brazilian wax job
it hurt, but i am tough
then i played soccer on the grass
would you like to play soccer with me
it's fun.

Fiz Uma Depilacao Completa

Yours,

Paulette

Spam: Stop Making That Noise

2009-04-14T09:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Fan,

A couple of weeks ago, my niece and nephew and cousin and his gal visited from Phoenix, AZ. I'm calling my cousin's kids "niece" and "nephew" because that's what philipino people do, and they're obviously smarter than europeans.

My niece and nephew helped to hatch "Fork in the Ketchup", "Ninety-two Toyota Tercel" and this extremely important song I'm sending you now, "Stop Making That Noise."

Me and the kids were in the back seat of the rental car headed toward alcatraz, the prison, while cuz and his gal were up front. Niece was humming, and like a bad influence, i showed her how to flap your lips while humming. Nephew chimed in, and Cuz took it for about 30 seconds before he said, "that's about enough of that." I apologized profusely for corrupting youth, and as a display of remorse I made this song thingy.

Long live lip flappers!!!

Stop Making That Noise

Paulette

Paulette Song on Car talk

2009-04-09T10:16:00.001-07:00

Hi Paulette,

Thanks--I got the mp3 you sent, and we're actually using it on this
week's show--it'll be at the end of our 2nd Segment, around 35 minutes
past the hour.

Cheers,

David Greene
Car Talk

Ninety-two Toyota Tercel

92 Toyota Tercel

Spam: Ninety-two Toyota Tercel

2009-04-08T14:26:00.001-07:00

Dear Music Fanatic,

Here's a new song about a car.

Ninety-two Toyota Tercel

Enjoy!

Paulette

Spam: New songs

2009-03-30T23:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Person Who Reads These Missives and Who LIstens to the Songs,

Here are two new songs.

One is called "The Fork in the Ketchup"

When you see the fork in the ketchup
turn left
keep going 'til you come to a dog
he'll point and point and point
to beans
You'll eat up all the beans and smile
then a cat will come out and begin to shout
look out
as bagels roll and hit a pole
and orange juices pours and hits the door.

The other is called "Fun to be"

It's fun to be a transsexual
every day is new and different
people are warm and loving to me
all of the time

Nobody stares at me
even though i'm tall with short hair
it's fun to be a transsexual
try it, it's a lot of fun!

Sincerely,

Paulette

Spam: Paulette Plays Live 3/28/09 and 4/3/09

2009-03-26T02:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Phan,

I have more than one bit of information to relate to you.

I haven't counted all of the bits, but we'll count them and post the results at the end of this memo. If it seems that some bits aren't counted, it's because the losses won't be realized this quarter. But we're not hiding anything at all. You really can trust us. I mean we're not earning the big bucks for no reason. Honest!

For starters, I will play at The Magnet Men's Center in San Francisco on Saturday 3/28/09 some time after 7 p.m. I'll play my usual 15 - 20 minute set and will be accompanied by the masterful percussionist, Jules Worsley of Oakland, CA.

It's free, so get your tickets early before it sells out.

Magnet
4122 18th Street
San Francisco, CA
94114

For enders, on Friday 4/3/09, I will be part of yet another art show at Smokey's Tangle Gallery in Oakland, CA.

The show theme is "Beatlenuts", as in Juan, Pablo, Jorge, Wrinkle and nuts.

Here is a jingle I made for the show.

Beatlenuts Jingle

I will be helping Sonya Hunter and Erik Pearson play Beatles' tunes by request from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m.

Smokey's Tangle
4709 Telegraph Ave.
Oakland CA 94609

As promised, here is the information bit count.

Number of information bits = 2

Happy Economy!!

Paulette

old wigout photo

2009-03-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

Way back, a long time ago, I could afford to drive to Los Angeles and play music there. Here is a photo from those bountiful days.

Spam: French Fans on Facebook

2009-03-13T18:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Reader,

Sadly and Happily, I am on facebook, reconnecting with every person i've ever met at least once upon a time.

For fun and profit, I also created a facebook Fan page where fans can go on facebook to look at pictures of me, listen to some of my music and see who other fans are.

Within the past week, 5 young French guys became "Fans", bringing my facebook fanbase up to 14 people.

As a way of saying "Bonjour" to them, I made this brand new song with my cousin, John Donovan, and posted it to the fan site. It's also available on the Paulette International website for $0.00. It's called "Kilo de Burre"

Kilo de Burre

It reads thusly:

Me Choussure son tres rapide
j' courrai au marche
pour acheter
un kilo de Burre

J' ferre saute
Mes haricot verts

Translated:

My shoes are very fast.
I will run to the store
to buy a kilogram of butter
I will saute my green beans.

If you don't like the pronunciations or spelling, let me know.

Poster art by Brian Brooks

I will play music in public in the near future.

Au Revoir,

Paulette

Spam: 3/7/09 show description

2009-03-09T23:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Fan,

The Saturday 3/7/09 show was unbelievably unbelievable.

Here are some photos of the show taken by the world famous photographer, Charlie.

In the audience, we had so many people that I'd be hard pressed to name them all in 30 seconds. It was that crowded. Just picture a checkout line with over 3 people in it and you'll get some idea of the crowd's magnitude.

Paulette

Spam: Yet Another Art Opening SATURDAY 3/7/09

2009-03-04T11:23:00.001-08:00

Dear Super Fan,

In a continued effort to buoy the US Economy, I will be playing at yet another art opening at Smokey's Tangle in Oakland, CA.

Smokey's Tangle
4709 Telegraph Ave.
Oakland, CA 94609

The show is called "imitation zoo".

I don't fully understand what "Imitation Zoo" is, was or will be, but I'm somehow qualified to put my visual art in the show.

In the spirit of not knowing, I made this jingle for the shindig.

IMITATION ZOO JINGLE

Now get your thinking caps on good and tight, because the following information might be construed as confusing if you are on bad drugs.

I'm playing on SATURDAY 3/7/09 from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. roughly.

The opening is two nights, and Saturday is the SECOND night.

In other news, I bought a pot for my new houseplant donated to me by Jenny of Milagro Salon.

I also paid $1.38 plus tax to buy some sequoia redwood tree seeds.

Love Always,

Paulette